It's all very exciting and I feel privileged to be where I am in life, but recently I have been having uncomfortable encounters with people who believe what I do for a living is somehow wicked. Luckily, I live behind a 40 foot concrete wall that effectively keep those critics at bay, however, I am quite often required to leave the protection of my bunker and confront those on the other side. When this occurs I find myself the victim of vile epithets, that although true for the most part, make me feel defenceless and frail, and a man of my station in life needs to appear strong and in control at all times.
So, when I came across your advertisement in last months issue of 'Twink Stallions,' I decided that learning to retort abusive or defamatory statements made toward me, would help to demonstrate my confidence and ability to those silly enough to think what I say is important.
SIMON - Oh, how wonderful, you'll fit right in here. Now, when someone new arrives in my class, I like to spend the first little bit in a one on one interaction with them in order to assess their competency when attacked verbally. I'm interested in your comebacks, your expletives, your put-downs, and weather or not you cry like a sissy or take control like a man. How does that sound, Frank?
POPE FRANCIS - That sounds splendid. I am very excited and also quite new at this, so please go easy on me.
SIMON - Fuck you, you dress wearing bitch. I'm not going easy on a worthless dago, like you.
POPE FRANCIS - Oh, my word. Was that necessary?
SIMON - You see, Frank, I can already tell by your startled reaction that you were not prepared for my attack. Like a boxer you must train yourself to duck and counter when abuse is hurled your way. And the phrase "Oh, my word" is something we're going to need to remove from your lexicon.
I'm going to be rude to you again and I want you too call me the worst name you can think of and then say something rude about my mother. Can you do that, Frank?
POPE FRANCIS - I'll try.
SIMON - Great. Okay, here we go.
Where does an 80 year old virgin get off telling people to stop screwing? Maybe if you and that cult of pedophiles you oversee started getting your dicks sucked by hookers you'd stop fucking little boys, you perverted, shit fucker.
POPE FRANCIS - Um, ah, Oh, yeah you follower of Joseph Smith, I bet your mother wasn't baptised.
SIMON - Wow, that was bad.
POPE FRANCIS - Shoot, I know. You threw me off again, I thought you were just going to call me a few names, but you went in a completely different direction.
SIMON - That's right Frank, I did and you need to be prepared for that. Not everyone is just going to call you an ass-hole or give you the finger, some people are going to find out what hurts you most and use it against you.
Let's try something else. I'm going to refrain from using profanity and just insult your work, okay.
POPE FRANCIS - No profanity?
SIMON - Nope.
POPE FRANCIS - Okay, let me just say a quick prayer to help with......
SIMON - Shut up.
POPE FRANCIS - Sorry.
SIMON - Don't ever apologize, it makes you look weak.
POPE FRANCIS - Sorry.
SIMON - Here we go. Jesus said, "If you wish to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven." So why does the Vatican keep an art collection estimated at 17 billion dollars instead of selling it off and feeding the poor? Is it because your a bunch of cock suckers or just greedy?
POPE FRANCIS - I thought you weren't going to swear.
SIMON - I lied.
POPE FRANCIS - Oh, okay, well, um, 17 billion dollars will never feed all the hungry mouths around the world, It would be a drop in the ocean; and once it had soaked into the desert, like water from a leaking tanker in the Sahara, it would be gone forever, leaving bare walls and a basilica without Michelangelo's Pietà: a simpler but a less spiritually powerful place.
SIMON - Alright, that was a good answer, but remember, I'm not your grandma, I'm some jerk that just approached you on the street to start a verbal confrontation. You want to be more aggressive and even rude in order to shut me up. Why don't you try and answer that question again, only this time, be more assertive.
POPE FRANCIS - Okay....Fuck You?
SIMON - Excellent! See that, you're not just a douchebag on a golden throne, you actually have some brains in that wrinkly old head.
POPE FRANCIS - Fuck You?
SIMON - Very good, Frank. I tried to throw an unexpected insult at you and you were ready for it. You sure are a quick learner, my friend.
POPE FRANCIS - Thanks. It only took me an hour to learn how to juggle.
SIMON - Oh, I believe it. I'd like to now get a feel for how good you are at insulting people. I want you to take a close look at me, examine my clothing, hair style, gestures, anything you can find to make fun of. When you have something, just go ahead and say it.
POPE FRANCIS - Okay....um....you have....no, that's no good....um....there is no bulge in the front of your pants so females will not be interested in you.
SIMON - Okay, that's not too bad, but a more succinct way to say that might be, "You're a dickless, looser." Why don't you try that.
POPE FRANCIS - You're a dickless looser. Oh, my, you are correct, it feels much better saying it that way.
SIMON - See how easy it can be.
POPE FRANCIS - I do, you piece of dog excrement....no, wait....I mean you piece of dog shit.
SIMON - Oh, that's great, Frank. I can see your gong to do very well in this class.
POPE FRANCIS - Wow, this feels so liberating. I don't know why I waited so long to use profanity, it's so much fun. I can't wait until I get back to the Vatican. The Bishops are going to have one hell of a surprise in store for them. Can we do another one?
SIMON - Sure, I'm game. How about I say, um, I don't know, after the Charlie Hebdo attack you essentially blamed the magazine for what happened by saying there is a limit to free speech as it pertains to mocking religion. Were you drunk when you said that, because if not it makes you a bigger piece of shit than what falls out of a brontosaurs' ass.
POPE FRANCIS - Shut up, cunt rag.
SIMON - Oh, that's good, Frank. I've never heard that one before.
POPE FRANCIS - Really, was it as good as the time you blew your father?
SIMON - Way to go, Frank, you seem to have the hang of it. Most people take a little longer to figure it out, especially someone like you, who has very limited experience with this sort of thing. If I'm not careful you are going to steal my job out from under me, ha, ha. How about we end our little one on one and get the rest of the class involved.
POPE FRANCIS - How about I fuck your mother with a bowling pin?
SIMON - Okay, Frank, that's good. Lets move on.
POPE FRANCIS - Oh, were you talking? Because all I heard was someone queefing.
SIMON - Frank, you can stop now.
POPE FRANCIS - Sorry, I don't listen to bitches.
SIMON - Alright, that's enough.
POPE FRANCIS - That's not what your wife said last night.
SIMON - Frank, you're starting to get out of control. This is not how this class works.
POPE FRANCIS - I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I just can't seem to fit my head up my ass.
SIMON - Stop it.
POPE FRANCIS - Oh, is the big, strong teacher gonna cry?
SIMON - If you keep this up I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
POPE FRANCIS - By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you a waste of skin. You may now kiss my ass.
SIMON - Please leave.
POPE FRANCIS - After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
SIMON - Out.
POPE FRANCIS - Fine, I'll leave, but you're still a wank-stain.
SIMON - Now.
POPE FRANCIS - Ass-hole.