When my parents were run over by the Pope Mobile, I was angry at God, I admit that. The pain of their gruesome death haunted me for years, but I never lost my faith nor doubted God's plan. I did, at one point wonder why the Pope insisted on dragging them several miles before stopping, but I was just a lousy bag of sinful garbage at the time, with no right to question God's ambassador on earth, or at least that's what the Pope told me.
This award means so much to me, not just because I can pawn it to pay my Visa bill, but because of what it represents. It's a symbol of heavenly mercy, of the rewards patients brings, and of how anything is possible if only we trust in the Lord. (kiss trophy and shed single tear).
I of course would not be here without the help of many good people; first my Grandmother, who heated up the chicken fingers your enjoying right now. Thanks Gran-Gran, for the lesions you taught me about following God's word and never giving in to temptation. If it wasn't for you beating me with a ladle every time I looked at a girl, I surly would have gotten a sex disease on my sinful place. You are the reason I am a virgin in my thirties, and I thank you for it.
My dog, Broccoli Slaw. Growing up you were the only one in the neighbourhood that could stand being around me. Although you've been dead ten years now, I like to think you are up in Heaven right now, sniffing the balls of our saviour and waiting patiently for me to get brain cancer, so I can join you in that big dog park in the sky.
My collection of He-Man action figures. You were a glorious alternative to Jim Bakker and his clown sidekick Tammy, that I was forced to watch as a child.
But most of all, I would like to thank myself. If it were not for my unpleasant disposition and inability to socialize, I surly would have made friends in my life and neglected the only friend anyone really needs, God. (avoid roses being thrown).
So thank you all once again, for coming out to honor me. And thank you Lord for the lessons you have taught me in life, I love you and think about you at all time, but you already know that, don't you? (thrust trophy in air and skip off stage)
*FOR FURTHER CONSIDERATION*
-should I yell "I'm the king of the world" before I walk off, or is that too pretentious?
-tuxedos make me look fat, would it be inappropriate to wear flip-flops and sweats?
-remember to hide the alcohol from Grandma
-buy chicken fingers