1776 will long be remembered for three significant occurrences; the drafting of the Declaration of Independence, on July 4th, the first use of the term "Yolo," and the founding of the super secret guild bent on global power known as, the Illuminati.
Growing up I never gave much thought to sticking things up my butt, it seemed uncomfortable, potentially messy, and something that would most certainly haunt my dreams. But that was long before my friend Dan informed me of the "bad toxins" that were coursing through my colon as a result of too many cheese slices and Skittles.
A commission established to advise Pope Francis on preventing sexual abuse of minors in the church, released a report last Monday outlining new measures it hopes will help safeguard vulnerable children.
The following account is as truthful as any other you may read on this subject.
It began with a light more brilliant than a million stove clocks. I felt no fear or worry, my nerves were steady and my body was relaxed. As the world I knew vanished before my eyes, the same exhilaration I feel when snorting Pop-Rocks, washed over my body. I had no regrets or longing for any of my earthly possessions, other than my cell phone, chap stick, nail file, ear buds, vaporizer, yo-yo, and about a dozen other things I could easily have fit in a fanny pack, had I only known I were dying.
Being a collector of flamingo-related items, seems like an amusing and sensible way to spend your money, but it's not without it's drawbacks. As any serious hoarder can tell you, finding the space to proudly display your collection around the home can become difficult as you accumulate more and more of whatever it is you have chosen to waste your life on.
At last I figured out what it is I want to do with my life. After all these years I've finally discovered the career I've always been looking for. The crazy thing is, I didn't even know it existed until about a month ago.
I recently came across an advertisement that asked its readers three questions followed by a brief statement;
My dog, Edgar Allan Poop, was recently diagnosed with Canine Lymphoma. It's a common type of cancer that affects lymph nodes, bone marrow, liver, and spleen, but can also be found in the eyes, skin, and gastrointestinal tract. The exact cause isn't exactly known yet, although my buddy Kainen thinks (and I agree) it's probably caused by sniffing too many crotches.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Hollywood, California, it's The Dating Game. Now, let's all put our hands together, and give a great big welcome to your host, Skip Cleavage.
Automatic writing is a safe and entertaining way to produce written words from the spiritual realm, without consciously writing. It is achieved by clearing the mind of all thought (including the notion automatic writing works), while you scribble on a piece of paper. Whatever squiggles, scratches, or scrawls, produced while in this state, are said to be communique from the spiritual realm.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just couldn't focus? Where you felt like someone had opened the top of your head, removed your brain, and replaced it with a warm bag of rancid cheese? Or how about a mental hiccup while driving, causing you to hop the curb and crash into a bronze statue of a penguin riding a dolphin? Perhaps you keep forgetting to wipe your bottom, or swallow after taking a mouth full of food. If so, your just like me.
Come be part of the inaugural Ark Encounter team!
Answers in Genesis, is now hiring full and part time employees to help with construction on our exact replica (minus all the concreate and steel) of Noah's ark. There are nearly 400 seasonal positions available at Ark Encounter with a variety of available shifts and schedules (atheists, need not apply).
I have a very unique talent only my mom thinks is impressive. Like Mozart with music, or Bill Clinton with adultery, it is an innate talent which I have possessed since early adolescence. I've been doing it for years and believe I am one of the best there is. What I'm referring to is the ancient art of Foot Reading, or "Solestry," to those of us in the business.
The idea that our soul or spirit reincarnates is as old as my grandmothers bladder issues. For thousands of years people have held deep rooted beliefs that the life they are currently experiencing is nothing more than another link in an everlasting chain of existence.
(1/20 - 2/18)
-As Mercury fondles the balls of Pluto, it becomes obvious that secrets may surface. Burn all records of the money you embezzled, tell your boyfriend your wife is suspicious, and let the kids know who their real dad is, because very soon it will all come crashing down. You have had an exciting few years of midget orgies and rectal piercings, but reality has caught up with you, and it's time to make a change.
To be honest, I never finished this book, I have too much respect for my brain to put it through such horrors, however I did read enough of it to get a fairly good understanding of why my uncle said it was the only book he felt comfortable about burning.
People are ass-holes. I don't mean that as an insult, more as a matter of fact. People are ass-holes. Not all people, mind you, just the ones that breath oxygen, the rest I'm okay with.
A while back a co-worker tried to convince me this wasn't true, but he's an ass hole too, so what the hell does he know?
I've been having problems with my back ever since I started sleeping in the bathtub. The reasons for doing this are slightly personal and I don't feel like going into them right now, lets just say it has something to do with a bladder control issue and leave it at that. Anyway, since I've been spending my nights curled, uncomfortably on cold fiberglass, I've begun to develop an irritating twitch in my back that causes my right leg to unintentionally kick at random moments throughout the day.
Lately, I have been growing increasingly worried about one of your followers misunderstanding my recent comments about you resembling a bloated sack of diaper waste, and deciding to chop my head off because of it. I am also concerned that you may have misinterpreted the picture of Muhammad I painted below the water line of my toilet, as an attack on your magnificence, rather than a way to shit on the face of your profit, which is all it was meant to be.
God is gay, literately. I don't mean that as a metaphor or figure of speech, I mean it as an empirical matter-of-fact that can be proven using God's own words and actions as put forth in the bible. And I'm not referring to a conservative, tie wearing, Anderson Cooper kind of gay, but a full on Freddie Mercury in tight purple short-shorts and bedazzled, yellow top hat, type gay.
I know this is going to be old news to most of you, but alien beings are currently assembling near the edge of our solar system in order to carry out a calculated attack on our planet. This attack will consist mainly of disgruntled extra-terrestrials in Romulan Warbirds, who believe the inhabitants of earth would be more useful covered in a layer of cheese-spread and placed on a cracker, than they are controlling a planet.
My friend, Finnegan Fizgig, claimed to be clairvoyant, which means he could read minds and see into the future. I'd love to ask him why it was he didn't use his powers of precognition to see the garbage truck that backed over him, but sadly, he's dead because of it.
I've been locked in my bedroom for almost three weeks now, in order to focus all my attention and energy on a single task; to bend an ordinary soup spoon with my mind. For the doubters out there, this isn't just some crazy idea I came up with while snorting Vagisil, I actually saw someone on TV do it, when I was just a kid.
SIMON - Hello everyone, I'm so glad to see you again. Right off the top I'd like to point out that we have a new student sitting in the front row. Why don't you stand up and tell everybody your name, what you do, and why you signed up for, "Profanity, comebacks, and insults 101."
Shelly - Hi, this is Shelly from Simple Vibe. How may I be of assistance to you?
Mother Teresa- Hello, my dear. I have a question about one of your products and I was hoping you could help me.
Shelly - Certainly, ma'am. What can I do for you.