- Have you been diagnosed with cancer, heart problems, diabetes or any other serious medical conditions?
- Has modern medicine failed you?
- Do you have negative reactions to the treatments or drugs given you?
I recently came across an advertisement that asked its readers three questions followed by a brief statement;
My dog, Edgar Allan Poop, was recently diagnosed with Canine Lymphoma. It's a common type of cancer that affects lymph nodes, bone marrow, liver, and spleen, but can also be found in the eyes, skin, and gastrointestinal tract. The exact cause isn't exactly known yet, although my buddy Kainen thinks (and I agree) it's probably caused by sniffing too many crotches.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Hollywood, California, it's The Dating Game. Now, let's all put our hands together, and give a great big welcome to your host, Skip Cleavage.
Automatic writing is a safe and entertaining way to produce written words from the spiritual realm, without consciously writing. It is achieved by clearing the mind of all thought (including the notion automatic writing works), while you scribble on a piece of paper. Whatever squiggles, scratches, or scrawls, produced while in this state, are said to be communique from the spiritual realm.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just couldn't focus? Where you felt like someone had opened the top of your head, removed your brain, and replaced it with a warm bag of rancid cheese? Or how about a mental hiccup while driving, causing you to hop the curb and crash into a bronze statue of a penguin riding a dolphin? Perhaps you keep forgetting to wipe your bottom, or swallow after taking a mouth full of food. If so, your just like me.
Come be part of the inaugural Ark Encounter team!
Answers in Genesis, is now hiring full and part time employees to help with construction on our exact replica (minus all the concreate and steel) of Noah's ark. There are nearly 400 seasonal positions available at Ark Encounter with a variety of available shifts and schedules (atheists, need not apply).
I have a very unique talent only my mom thinks is impressive. Like Mozart with music, or Bill Clinton with adultery, it is an innate talent which I have possessed since early adolescence. I've been doing it for years and believe I am one of the best there is. What I'm referring to is the ancient art of Foot Reading, or "Solestry," to those of us in the business.
The idea that our soul or spirit reincarnates is as old as my grandmothers bladder issues. For thousands of years people have held deep rooted beliefs that the life they are currently experiencing is nothing more than another link in an everlasting chain of existence.
(1/20 - 2/18)
-As Mercury fondles the balls of Pluto, it becomes obvious that secrets may surface. Burn all records of the money you embezzled, tell your boyfriend your wife is suspicious, and let the kids know who their real dad is, because very soon it will all come crashing down. You have had an exciting few years of midget orgies and rectal piercings, but reality has caught up with you, and it's time to make a change.
To be honest, I never finished this book, I have too much respect for my brain to put it through such horrors, however I did read enough of it to get a fairly good understanding of why my uncle said it was the only book he felt comfortable about burning.
People are ass-holes. I don't mean that as an insult, more as a matter of fact. People are ass-holes. Not all people, mind you, just the ones that breath oxygen, the rest I'm okay with.
A while back a co-worker tried to convince me this wasn't true, but he's an ass hole too, so what the hell does he know?
I've been having problems with my back ever since I started sleeping in the bathtub. The reasons for doing this are slightly personal and I don't feel like going into them right now, lets just say it has something to do with a bladder control issue and leave it at that. Anyway, since I've been spending my nights curled, uncomfortably on cold fiberglass, I've begun to develop an irritating twitch in my back that causes my right leg to unintentionally kick at random moments throughout the day.
Lately, I have been growing increasingly worried about one of your followers misunderstanding my recent comments about you resembling a bloated sack of diaper waste, and deciding to chop my head off because of it. I am also concerned that you may have misinterpreted the picture of Muhammad I painted below the water line of my toilet, as an attack on your magnificence, rather than a way to shit on the face of your profit, which is all it was meant to be.
God is gay, literately. I don't mean that as a metaphor or figure of speech, I mean it as an empirical matter-of-fact that can be proven using God's own words and actions as put forth in the bible. And I'm not referring to a conservative, tie wearing, Anderson Cooper kind of gay, but a full on Freddie Mercury in tight purple short-shorts and bedazzled, yellow top hat, type gay.
I know this is going to be old news to most of you, but alien beings are currently assembling near the edge of our solar system in order to carry out a calculated attack on our planet. This attack will consist mainly of disgruntled extra-terrestrials in Romulan Warbirds, who believe the inhabitants of earth would be more useful covered in a layer of cheese-spread and placed on a cracker, than they are controlling a planet.
My friend, Finnegan Fizgig, claimed to be clairvoyant, which means he could read minds and see into the future. I'd love to ask him why it was he didn't use his powers of precognition to see the garbage truck that backed over him, but sadly, he's dead because of it.
I've been locked in my bedroom for almost three weeks now, in order to focus all my attention and energy on a single task; to bend an ordinary soup spoon with my mind. For the doubters out there, this isn't just some crazy idea I came up with while snorting Vagisil, I actually saw someone on TV do it, when I was just a kid.
SIMON - Hello everyone, I'm so glad to see you again. Right off the top I'd like to point out that we have a new student sitting in the front row. Why don't you stand up and tell everybody your name, what you do, and why you signed up for, "Profanity, comebacks, and insults 101."
Shelly - Hi, this is Shelly from Simple Vibe. How may I be of assistance to you?
Mother Teresa- Hello, my dear. I have a question about one of your products and I was hoping you could help me.
Shelly - Certainly, ma'am. What can I do for you.
Are you looking for an exciting new career in an otherwise dull life? Have you always wanted to treat women like a freshly picked booger you wipe under a chair? Does the idea of fondling 144 breasts in the after life appeal to you? Well, look no further than the exhilarating new world of Islamic Extremism.
Plants survive on light and water alone, so why can't humans?
This brilliant bit of insight flashed upon my muddled mind just last month causing me to begin an in depth eleven minute study of the internet in an attempt to learn weather or not it was possible to exist for any significant period of time on sunlight alone.
Reasonable, intelligent individuals view homeopathy as pseudoscience easily dismissed by high school chemistry and simple mathematics, but since I am neither reasonable nor intelligent I consider it to be the greatest medical marvel since the tongue depressor.
Living near the mountains in Alberta, I enjoy spending a good portion of my summers hiking through the pristine forests and splashing in the clear, cold rivers that cover the land. Being deathly afraid of bear attacks I always take Mr. Piddle (my poodle) just in case I stumble across a hungry mother and her cubs. Mr. Piddle is old and not very healthy, he wears a doggie-diaper and has lost all the fur on the top of his head making him look like a more attractive Dr. Phil with a better mustache, but his hearing is still good which makes him a great early warning system.
Context: Intercessory prayer (praying for others) has been a common response to sickness for millennia, but it has received little scientific attention. The purpose of this study is to demonstrate weather or not mumbling to a magic space wizard is a useful way to spend your time. I am not attempting to prove or disprove the existence of any god, rather I will be focusing on prayer itself.
I once saw a show where a woman suffering from cancer chose to forgo the established medical treatments for something known as "Urine Therapy." Throughout the day she would pee on the tumor that developed between her toes, hoping this practice would send her cancer running away in disgust.
It turns out that little whim of hers was pointless, considering she died pretty quickly, anyway. But on the bright side it did gave me a good idea. I too would try this intriguing treatment on some of the odd growths and obscure molds that littered my body.