Calls are dispatched from The Psychic Service Bureau located in my aunt Loraine's garden shed, then rerouted directly to your location with the speed and efficiency of a Lithuanian post office. From here you will engage in meaningless banter with naïve callers looking for solutions to life's biggest problems and people just wanting someone to talk to because their grandkids refuse to visit. The Psychic Service Bureau phone lines are promoted by TV commercials, print and online advertising, so you know we must be legitimate.
An Intuitive Lightworker, such as yourself, can not afford to squander the talents given to you by God (or a sharp blow to the head), millions of bank accounts are in desperate need of draining and we believe that YOU can help us achieve this goal.
Perhaps you're unsure if you possess this incredible gift, if that's the case try taking this simple test; I will think of my favorite sandwich spread and you attempt to divine my thoughts, I'll wait.....(Jeopardy music plays)....if you said Fish Paste and Worcestershire sauce, congratulations, you have a natural gift for reading thoughts, if you said anything else that's okay too. Our experienced group of professional hucksters can teach you the ancient art of bullshitting faster than Don Corleone can cut the head off a horse. So don't just sit there on your urine stained couch wishing you had a noose to hang yourself with, get to that phone and take your first step toward making me lots of money (and some for yourself as well).
But before you make the decision to join our team, why not take a look at some of the amazing things our employees had to say before being arrested for fraud;
- "I was spending all my time carving swastikas into bus benches before getting a job with The Psychic Service Bureau. Now, because I'm so busy working, the voices in my head have stopped (somewhat), my mom allows me to use the indoor toilet again, and I no longer worry about werewolves using my poodle as a sex toy. Thanks, Psychic Service Bureau."
- "Who knew I could make people so happy without having to expose myself? If I'd have had this job sooner I may still be allowed within 500 meters of a playground and I wouldn't be forced to wear this stupid ankle bracelet. Thank god I have The Psychic Service Bureau to occupy my time between learning to play the Sousaphone and making paper mache fedoras for my cat."
- "I no g0od enGlish. mE liKe Sycik Servus Burrito. I am maKe peoples hapy when talk 2 them< I no sykik but much enjoy 2 lie 2 strangerrs. They stupd and I get moNey. AmeRica great cuntry butt full oF stupid peoples."
- "I'm not even really sure what a Psychic does. All I know is that I listen to people talk on the phone all day, then collect a cheque from some creepy guy in a van."
- "Thanks to my job at The Psychic Service Bureau, I can once again afford the medication that keeps me from breaking into strangers homes and defecating in their salad bowls."
*In compliance with an order from the Department of Justice we are required to inform all potential employees that The Psychic Service Bureau is currently under criminal investigation for impersonating a Witch Doctor, threating to possess the soul of a ten year old, using the "Dagger of Power" to rob a 7-11, putting a curse on Bolivia, and reckless endangerment of the spirit realm.