The Greeks (apparently) thought the butt was the key to health and contentment. The Romans used the butt in a similar fashion to palm reading. The Egyptians worshiped it, calling it "keeper of the hot wind." And the Chinese refused to have anything to do with rubbing a strangers ass because their not idiots.
A Rumpologist like Vernon can speak for hours about the meaning behind subtle features on an individuals tush, which is probably why I don't answer the phone when he calls. According to Vernon, the left and right cheeks symbolize the corresponding hemispheres of the brain, while the crack represents a good place to hold your toothbrush while in the shower. A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone adventurous, outgoing and willing to run naked through a shopping mall. An apple shaped butt indicates a person who enjoys life and never gets angry unless their butt is being fondled by Vernon. And a flat ass suggests you are one of my ex-girlfriends. How accurate these proposals are, only God and someone not suffering from retardation can know.
I personally don't see any difference between what Vernon does and what palm readers do, other than having to finger the occasional scrotum. The gimmick is generally the same; somebody wants to know when they will fall in love, or win the lottery, or pass the 9volt battery they swallowed, so they find someone claiming to be magic and give them a whole bunch of money to tell them what they want to hear.
Some do this by looking at your palms others by examining the feet or forehead but not Vernon, he chose the ass, that says a lot about Vernon. He reminds me of someone spending hundreds of thousands of dollars and years of their life in medical school, only to choose Proctology as their field of study. Don't get me wrong, it's a very important job but why the hell would you want to spend your days knuckle deep in grandpas rectum when you could be delivering babies or enlarging breasts? To each his own, I guess.
Along with face-to-ass analysis Vernon can also perform long distance readings of your posterior by way of photography, photocopy, or crayon rendering. All you need to do is send him a picture of your ass by e-mail and he will examine it closely (too closely in my opinion) then send back the results.
I once tested Vernon on this by anonymously e-mailing him a picture of my backside just to see how accurate he would be. His findings concluded that I was an outgoing individual with great prospects for the future but that I should not trust my friends because they were mentally unstable. I don't think he knew how right he was.
Vernon may be good at what he does (if that's possible) but he is by no means the best. That honor goes to the worlds greatest Rumpologist, Jacqueline Stallone, mother of Sylvester Stallone. She claims to have done readings for kings, prime ministers, politicians, movie stars, gamblers, generals, gangsters, cops and priests. That seems like a lot of ass for Rambo's mom to be grabbing, but I guess when you charge 1,500 dollars an hour for your services, you're going to want all the ass play your stinky little fingers can get.
I don't think Vernon is foolish for doing what he does, hell if I could spend my days napping in a beanbag chair waiting for strangers to show me their ass, I probably would. I'm just a little worried about what people are saying about him behind his back. I hear them whispering things like, "Vernon is crazier than a syphilis ridden badger." Or "Vernon should do us all a favor and drink a bleach infused Pina Colada." Theses things just seem to go way too far. Vernon may be a little kooky but he certainly doesn't deserve to die for it. He does deserve to die for calling the newest Star Wars movie crap, but not for being a Rumpologist.
If I had to guess I would say that everything Vernon claims about reading butt cheeks is total crap, although I would never tell him that. We're good friends, and friends should never stop one another from fulfilling their dreams.....unless your friend is Hitler.
So I'm going to continue being a supportive friend that listens to his nonsense with a plastic smile and dubious heart. He's not hurting anyone (yet) so why bother trying to convince him he's wrong? Besides, what other work is there for a High School dropout on the local sexual predators list?