Saint Sebastian's School For Useless Children, is a living Christian community which endeavors to teach todays youth that a life which says 'no' to Christ's love and salvation, is a life that says 'yes' to oral sex with vagrants in the park.
We prepare each student for a life of faith and knowledge by insuring our faculty and staff are the best educators liquor and cigarettes can buy. Free of communicable disease and open soars, our staff will work day and night to insure your child never falls behind in their study of Christ, or gets raped by the hunchback living in our cellar.
We here at St. Sebastian's know full well the disappointment that arises when a parent or sperm donor first experiences the realization that their child is a useless twit. Many on our faculty have hopeless children of their own and fantasize about pushing them down a ravine or out of a moving roller-coaster. Because of this we understand better than most the anguish one faces when dealing with a child you wish you had aborted. Our goal here is to take the miscreants that dropped from your spoiled womb, and turn them into the kind of decent, God fearing youngster that will be the envy of every pedophile on your block.
OUR COMMITMENT TO YOU, THE PARENT
It is with great pride (and a suggestion from our lawyer) that we can affirm only 26% of our faculty have been arrested for sexual misconduct, and a mere four students were lost to wild dog attacks in the previous school year.
Although there is still an ongoing police investigation involving the severed nose found in the cafeteria, you can be assured it will not effect our Christian duty to teach your child what a rotten sinner they are.
You, as a concerned parent, can rest assured that we will treat your youngster with the dignity and respect befitting one of God's precious creatures; unless they disobey our rules, in which case we beat them with an ice-cream scoop. But never in the face....mostly never.
WE GO THAT EXTRA MILE
In this, the age of the internet, we understand just how easy it is for a young person to run across inappropriate sexual content while innocently searching for street fighting videos or ISIS propaganda. Because of this we have asked our entire staff to refrain from posting any pornographic material involving themselves, their spouses, their pets, or grandparents, on any of their social media platforms. This decree works to prevent your child from inadvertently stumbling across the deviant sexual behaviour much of our staff participate in.
Several studies have recently concluded that children who witness their teachers in sexually compromising videos involving ferrets or human feces, tend to become distracted in class. With our strict 'No-Perv' policy you can rest assured that your child will never become aware of the Vice-Principals sexual attraction toward amputees, or that the custodian is a weekend Furry.
VIOLENCE IN THE NAME OF THE LORD
The decision to beat unruly and sometimes sleeping children is one we take very seriously. For many decades St. Sebastian's has debated this controversial policy amongst its board members and staff, always resulting in a unanimous decision allowing the practice. We take no pleasure in knocking out your toddlers first tooth (that's not entirely true) but feel it is our sacred duty to God to beat disruptive students within an inch of their life. Disorderly conduct which is unchecked by the educator would spread like the Whore of Babylon's legs at a Green Day concert. We put a stop to inappropriate behaviour quickly and painfully, thereby curtailing the desire to act out in the future.
Diversity comes in many forms: gender, race, number of toes, time spent in prison, porn preferences, number of Vicodin you take in the morning, etc. All of these contribute to an individual’s unique experience of the world.
To insure our school is as diverse as possible we only hire teachers from countries other than our own. They speak very little english and rarely wear shoes, but exhibit just the right amount of melanin to meet our quota.
Because of this policy we are not always afforded the most qualified educators. Our english teacher, Mr. Mehretab is from East Africa, and speaks less english than the singing birthday card I received last June. Mr. Mehretab's poor communication skills and tendency to sleep during class, has caused the majority of his students to fail his class, which we believe is a small price to pay for the experience of sitting in a room with someone who is a different color than you.
COME SEE FOR YOURSELF
Ever weekend this month we will be holding an open house where you are welcome to come and explore our beautiful grounds and test out the new waterless toilets (also known as 'a hole in the ground'). Meet the teachers your child will forever have nightmares about, and see the wall we keep or Gender Studies professor tied too.
Principal O'Conner and his Gimp, will be available from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 pm to answer questions pertaining to baton twirling and home brewing. Detective Sargent Kendal Philips, of the Child Abuse Squad, will arrive at 2:00 p.m. to try and talk you out of sending your children here. And free snacks will be available to anyone born prior to 1936.
So do yourself a favour and come on down to Saint Sebastian's School For Useless Children. We are located on the corner of 12th and Sycamore, kitty-corner from the newly renovated NAMBLA headquarters. Hope to see you soon.