1: Do I really give a shit about the Illuminati?
2: Wouldn't I rather be reading about the history of European cheese?
3: Why does the dishwasher always bend my spoons?
If your answers to these questions are, "Yes," "No," and, "Because I buy cheap cutlery." Then you are my kind of person and I suggest you keep reading.
If your answers were in any way different I think you're a jerk for bragging about your silverware and hope you get glaucoma from all that cheese research. Now go away and let the rest of us quietly read along while we take our morning poop.
The Illuminati began as a council of five men in Bavaria (which I wasn't able to locate on a map, but I think it's somewhere in Idaho). They were thoroughly immersed in mysticism and mental disciplines, seeking to develop the power of the mind. It is not clear if this "power" referred to the acquisition of telekinesis and telepathy or if they just wanted to get good at Sudoku, either way it was probably a waste of time.
Their alleged plan and purpose is world domination for their lord. Who precisely this lord is varies widely, some suggest it to be a bastardized version of the Judeo-Christian god, while others believe (myself included) it's a guy named Bob who creates universes on his days off. The Illuminati are alleged to be a motivational force encouraging one-world governance, a common religious ethic, and control of the worlds banking system. Organizations such as the United Nations, the Association for Pet Bereavement, and the Council for Dehydrated Onions and Garlic are all seen as tentacles of the Illuminati.
According to my favorite website, nothinghereistrue.com, the Illuminati are the main force behind a global effort to brainwash the masses by way of the educational curriculum and press, all in order to gain global control.
It's not quite clear as to what they plan on doing once they have complete control over all nations and their people. If it was me the first thing I would do is have everyone on Twitter who confuses "your" with "you're" rounded up and shot with paintballs full of goat piss. Next I would appoint David Hasselhoff 'King of Fashion' and have him design military outfits consisting of tight pants and leather vests. Then, just for fun, I would dig up the bones of Tiny Tim, use the DNA to replicate his clone, wait until he was fully grown, then beat the shit out of him for writing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips." After which I would most likely banish him to a galley ship for the rest of his days, but I'm digressing.
The Illuminati has been so good at concealing it's presence from the general public that only people who use the internet or watch TV are aware of it's existence. It is clamed that everyone from Barack Obama to Kermit the Frog are members of this guild and are ready at a moments notice to carry out it's heinous schemes, some of which include;
-the Kennedy assignation
-yellow mustard tasting like a wet foot
-ingrown toenails (disputed)
-the death of disco
-John Travolta's hair line
These of course, are just a few of the reprehensible actions perpetrated by a group so evil even Hitler himself once said of it, "Those people really freak me out. If any of them knock on the door, lets just pretend like we're not home."
This is not to say their original intent was not one of integrity. When first formed the Illuminati promoted skepticism, reason and rational thought. They also opposed state power and superstition, sure, they refused to admit Jews, women, and gays, but they allowed people who put mayo on their french fries to join, which is far more than I would do for those freaks.
As with any organization, having the funds to continue operations is a necessity, but how are these funds acquired? I'm not a member of the Illuminati (or am I) so I really have no idea, but if I had to venture a guess I'd say their vast wealth comes from the underground whale oil industry.
The manufacture of whale oil has practically ceased since the development of substitutes such as kerosene and vegetable oils, yet several small ethnic groups in Nunavut and parts of northern Russia still use it for illumination and deep frying Hot Pockets. Since no one other than the Illuminati are manufacturing this beautiful blubber, these communities are forced to buy from them, thereby creating vast amounts of wealth.
It is also possible thy receive funds through less ridiculous means, like the distribution of drugs or ticket sales from the production of all nude Neil Simon plays put on in their garage, but the evidence for this is about as strong as by grandpas bladder.
I suspect that revealing these secrets will put me on their radar, opening me up to death threats and rude mems about the size of my penis, but that's a chance I am willing to take. Only by standing up to the tyranny of the elite will we vanquish the stranglehold they have on our society.
And yes, I do believe I am a hero for being brave enough to speak the truth regardless of reprisal (thanks for asking). Having said all that, if you happen to belong to the Illuminati and are thinking of having me killed, please consider contacting me first and I will rewrite this blog, replacing the word "Illuminati" with "Scientology," which I believe will fit nicely.