But what if there was a way to get back at the people who harm you, without having to sober up, or leave your house? What if you could make those who slander or mock you pay for their mistreatment, without doing something illegal, which could eventually lead to the police kicking in your door and finding your collection of human toes? Well, look no further, the answer is here.
Magic spells are not just silly incantations old witches use to poison chamber maids, they are a genuine, though somewhat misunderstood, aspect of the real world.
For the most part, spells are used to obtain something out of one's natural free will. They can be very useful for people who are in need of help achieving a certain goal, or those who simply need a little luck at the Russian roulette table. They can be used to mold the mind of an unsuspecting someone, or change the course of events.
There is a spell for almost every desire under the sun. Beauty and glamour spells, for example, may be used to grow a perfect unibrow or remove unwanted moles, scars, and tails. Love spells can be used to attract someone with a full set of teeth (for a change), give an unwanted admirer leprosy, or just allow you find that special someone who knows how to twerk like a pro. There are also job spells, which help you get hired even if you show up to the interview sucking on a bong shaped like a Light Saber. So you can clearly see just how useful the casting of spells can be.
My personal favorites are the revenge spells. I'll use these on everyone from the cab driver who refuses to let me hang my head out the window and yell, "Wee-ooo, Wee-ooo", to the co-worker who enjoys photocopy his balls, but not wiping away the grease mark they leave behind. The uses are limitless.
Creating the spells themselves is where things get a little tricky. Most of the ingredients you will need are not found at the local grocery store. As an example, the 'prosperity' spell requires, among other things, a large silver bowl (no problem), a set of tongs (got that), a full moon (I can wait), and one tablespoon of earwax from an albino polo bear (wait, what?).
The spell used to grow full and luscious cuticles is completely useless without its main ingredient, a potato shaped like Heinrich Himmler. The incantation used to turn someone you dislike into a container of low fat cottage cheese, requires you to place six pounds of back hair inside of a dolphin blow hole, while chanting like a fool. So you can clearly see how difficult it is to actually produce a working spell of this kind.
Luckily, not all spells require such obscure ingredients. Some involve nothing more then speaking a supernatural phrase or two while dancing around a fire or banging softly on a drum. These spells can be invoked by anyone at anytime with very good results.
For those of you unconvinced of this claim, I offer up this simple love spell for you to try, which should help prove the truth of what I say.
On the first Friday of every month, while drunk on pumpkin schnapps, place a photograph of the person whose heart you wish to win, into an empty Pringles tin, along with one travel size pudding cup, then close the tin and throw it in the fire. As it burns, speak the following words over and over until the fire dies or CSI: New York starts, which ever comes first.
My heart is pure as yellow snow,
My mind is as clear as mud.
I say these words so you shall know,
That I am quite the stud.
If done properly you should see results within 4-6 years.
When performing these spells it is important to remember that they have a far greater chance of success if you are not mentally, emotionally, or physically distressed. Many people like to do a little pre-spell exercises to get them in the right frame of mind. I like to limber up by re-enacting every dance step in Michael Jackson's, Thriller video, while my neighbours cheer me on. It's sort of my thing.
You could also put on some relaxing whale sounds or take a hand full of Quaaludes (I know I guy who can get you some, cheap). Perhaps you prefer to smoke a little marijuana (also know a guy), or chew on a brick of fine Lebanese hash (he gets out of prison in a week).
You may also call on the divine or certain energies to watch over and bless your rite, but be careful of which energies you call upon. In the past I would summon the spirit of Mark Twain to join me during many of my rituals, but he kept making fun of me for believing in magic, so I told him to take a hike. Now I call upon Elvis Presley, who is way more fun and a far better dancer than Twain could ever dream.
Never forget, a beginner will be less adept at spells than an experienced practitioner. As you learn and practice, your skills will grow stronger and your results will be more apparent.
Start with something easy like a simple 'luck' spell, before moving on to the more complicated incantations which turn people into tree sap or a sardine. If you keep at it, you'll soon be good enough to win first place on Ethiopia's Got Talent, or maybe even start a little internet show where you can teach people how to cast their own spells, while trying not to look like a jack-ass (good luck).
Now get out there and start casting some spells. You can easily find every spell imaginable with a quick search of the internet. I wish you good luck, and ask only that you please not turn me into anything slimy in your spare time. Thanks (in advance).