One of my favorite stories attributed to Spontaneous Human Combustion involves a young woman who had just arrived home from a long day at the fireworks factory. Just like every other evening, she poured herself a large glass of moonshine and lit her replica Sherlock Holmes pipe, before sitting down to work on her homemade flamethrower. No one knows what happened next, but what we do know is, come morning, all that was left of her was a grease stain on the floor and both of her big toes.
So, was her incineration a result of Spontaneous Human Combustion or could there be another explanation? Some people think the flamethrower had something to do with it, others think it was caused by global warming, for me, I'm only interested in what they did with her big toes. They must cremate them or maybe feed them to pigs, either way I wouldn't want to be the one in charge of picking them off the floor.
Years ago, I remember reading an article about an incident that occurred at a trailer park in Fairfield, Arkansas, which was said to be caused by SHC. Apparently, a gentleman who was urinating out the door of his trailer suddenly burst into flames for no apparent reason. His frantic wife attempted to extinguish the fire by stabbing him in the neck repeatedly until the blood doused the flames. This was a poor judgment call on her part, which was probably why she was arrested for murder, but I'm not so sure she's guilty.
If you go back and check the weather report from that day you'll find there was a lightening storm all night. My guess is, lightening struck the trailer while the man was urinating out the door. Since the trailer rested on rubber wheels the only path for the electricity to follow to the ground was through the urine stream, which would certainly explain why his penis was completely burnt off.
So was this the result of Spontaneous Human Combustion a bolt of lightening or just a crazy lady who was tired of being laughed at by the neighbours because her husband couldn't figure out how to use a toilet? We may never know for sure.
I've heard that a persons clothing will soak up melting body fat then act like the wick of candle, allowing for a very slow and relatively "cool" burn, which tells me the 'spontaneous' part is attributed to this phenomenon because nobody actually ever witnesses it from it's beginnings. If they had they would see that people don't melt as fast as the Nazi's face in Raiders of the lost Ark, It's a slow process, taking many hours or even days before you end up a puddle on the floor.
Spontaneous Human Combustion could also be the result of something called, Fecal Abdominal Retention Theory (FART), which is the idea that gas builds up in the large intestine due to a blockage caused by impacted stool. When the methane gas reaches critical mass, it begins to seep out the pours of your skin and can then be ignited by something as simple as static electricity or a cellphone. This could very well be the cause of all SHC cases if it weren't for the fact that I just made it up, and it's pretty stupid.
Spontaneous Human Combustion is so rare you should not be the least bit concerned about it happening to you, there are far more pressing matters to fear, like super volcanos destroying North America, or Justin Bieber releasing another dick-pic. If you do happen to be around when one of your friends goes up in flames for no apparent reason, pull out your cell phone and get some footage of what's going on, for science. Hell, you could even have some fun with it by breaking out the marshmallows and singing a few campfire songs, I suggest Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire', or The Trammps, 'Disco Inferno'.