Answers in Genesis, is now hiring full and part time employees to help with construction on our exact replica (minus all the concreate and steel) of Noah's ark. There are nearly 400 seasonal positions available at Ark Encounter with a variety of available shifts and schedules (atheists, need not apply).
The ideal candidate is passionate about his or her ignorance of science, reads only the Bible, and concurs with the theory that Adam rode a T-Rex through the garden. Circumcision skills are a plus.
All Ark Encounter employees must be enthusiastic about flagellation, willing to hear Bible versus read aloud for long periods of time, apologize to Jesus daily, and confirm agreement with Ark Encounter’s Statement of Faith. Please insure you concur with the entire Statement of Faith before applying.
Statement of Faith
- I proclaim the absolute truth and authority of the Bible because I once saw Ken Ham beat Bill Nye in a debate.
- I proclaim Jesus is the guy I would call when my soul is feeling low, or my toilet needs unclogging.
- I proclaim none of the underwear I own could be categorized as "thong."
- I proclaim Mormons are silly people.
- I proclaim the only "high" I get comes from the word of God, and legal pharmaceuticals.
- I proclaim I enjoy proclaiming.
- The scientific aspects of creation are important but are secondary in importance to the proclamation that Jesus Christ could slap every other God around, if he so chooses.
- The doctrines of Creator and Creation cannot ultimately be divorced from the gospel of Jesus Christ, even if a bunch of atheists in lab coats say so. Attempting to separate the creator from His creation would be as futile as searching for a Muslim who's on the fence about homosexuality.
- The story of the flood as depicted in bible is entirely accurate, including the part about unicorns.
- The 66 books of the Bible are the written word of God. Its assertions are factually true in all the original autographs. The apparent blunders regarding science, history, geography, etc., only appear so because I am a dirty sinner who spends too much time watching American Ninja Warrior, instead of studying it's word.
- The Bible's authority is so great, even if the book itself acknowledged every word contained within was false, I would still believe it to be true.
- The various original life forms (kinds), including the bacteria that burrows into your brain, were made directly by God.
- The Great flood of Genesis was an actual historical event, just like when Napoleon invented the Slinkey.
- The special creation of Adam (Eve's boyfriend), and his subsequent fall into sin, was entirely the fault of a woman.
- The special creation of Eve (Adam's boss), and her decision to pluck the forbidden fruit, was the first step in the fight for women's equality.
- Death (both physical and in Call of Duty) is merely a bridge to the afterlife which transports your soul to heaven, and your body to a box in the ground, which is later dug up by thieves who steel your gold fillings.
- The Godhead is triune: one God, three heads, like Cerberus of Greek mythology, minus all the shedding and drool.
You must agree with all of the following beliefs which are held to be absolute truth by all board members of Ark Encounter (except Fred).
- The "vomiting possum" theory of creation espoused by Fred, has no basis in scripture, nor is it to be mentioned in public.
- The view that atheists and tree sap share the same intellectual capabilities, has never been disproven.
- Mentioning that Noah needed to have intercourse with his children to repopulate the earth, is never to be brought up during Sunday school classes.
- Mr. Ken Ham, has the best lower teeth in Kentucky (once again, Fred disagrees).
- Spending 100 million dollars to replicate a biblical narrative is a much better use of resources than feeding the poor.
- A year from now, when the Ark has been closed due to lack of interest and scarcity of funds, it will still be considered the ideal location for laser tag.
- If the Holy Spirit played Jesus in a game of Connect Four, there would be no loser.
- All things necessary for our salvation can fit comfortably in a fanny pack.
- Sexual intercourse shall only take place within the confines of marriage, as sanctioned by God. Any form of sexual immorality, such as Dirty Sanchez, Ballsacking, Beef Curtain Surprise, Chili Dog on a Bun, the Compton Gangbang, Cum Dumpster, Donkey Punch, Felching, Hot Karl, Mushy Biscuit, and the Puerto Rican Mushroom Queef, is sinful and offensive to god. Golden Showers and Dutch Ovens are inappropriate, but wont keep you out of heaven.
- To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before (plus build an ark).
- To bring God's words and deeds to the children of the world in the hopes they will forgo their electronic devices, filled with all the knowledge of the world, and pick up the bible, filled with unverifiable, yet fun, stories.
- To construct the best biblical theme park since Uruguay built, "God's Slippery Colon," water park.