TRUMP: Ha, I'm not an alien, I'm a New Yorker.
ME: Really? What's the difference?
TRUMP: That's a good question, I'll have to get back to you on that.
ME: That's okay, I don't want to have to do this again. So, tell me Mr. Trump, why are you so shitty to Mexicans?
TRUMP: I'm not mean to Mexicans.
ME: No, I said "shitty."
TRUMP: Either way. The fact is I love Mexicans, thousands of them work for me and tens of thousands have worked for me over the years. It's not the good Mexican I'm worried about, it's all the rest who are here illegally. They come across our borders with a history of violence and drug trafficking and we have no idea where these people are . They need to be rounded up in the same trucks used to transport pigs to the slaughter house and shipped back home for mass extermination.
ME: Wait, What? Did you just say "mass extermination?"
ME: I'm pretty sure I just heard you say that.
TRUMP: Fine, I did, but is it really that controversial? I believe its what most people are thinking.
ME: No, I don't believe they are.
TRUMP: Look, I don't really care what Mexico does with them as long as they're not here. The fact is there are millions of illegal immigrants who are not paying taxes or contributing to our society in any way. But, if people are unwilling to accept my idea of shipping them back to Mexico, I may have another suggestion.
ME: Oh, shit, this is going to be good. What is it?
TRUMP: I've recently been in negotiations with the state of Arizona to purchase the Grand Canyon, which will be the biggest real-estate deal of my incredible career. Once it's mine, I plan on filling it in with illegal immigrants and Muslims, not the good Muslims mind you, just the ones that worship Allah. Then, once its filled to the top we pave it over with concrete made by hard working white Americans and erect a 62 storey luxury resort and casino overlooking a world class golf course. That way, the Mexicans get to stay in our fine country without being a drain on society and the Muslims wont be able to blow stuff up.
ME: Wow, that's not even the craziest thing you've said.
ME: That wasn't a complement.
TRUMP: Sure it was.
ME: Okay, if you say so. You've been very vocal about your disdain for Hillary Clinton and her accomplishments as Secretary Of State, I wonder if you could talk a little about that.
TRUMP: Oh, what a mess she's created. She was the worst Secretary of State in the history of the United States. Just look at the Middle East, it's a total disaster. She's killed thousands of people with her incompetence.
ME: You don't really mean that.
TRUMP: Yes I do. I personally saw her strangle a midget with a shoelace.
ME: Um, no you didn't. And "midget" is not really considered an appropriate term.
TRUMP: Fine. I personally saw her strangle a Hobbit with a shoelace.
ME: Not any better.
TRUMP: The point here is she can't be trusted. You heard the lies she attempted to spread about ISIS using videos of me to help recruitment. No such videos exist and never have, she's just inventing this garbage because she knows I'm killing her in every state. Hillary doesn't have the judgement, strength or stamina to help this country.
ME: Speaking of ISIS, you stated that you would close down the internet in order to prevent ISIS from using it as a recruitment tool. If that happens millions of people are going to have to start paying for music again and I'll have to go back to sneaking in the woman's washroom to see some skin. Are you under the impression this will work? Because it seems to me like people won't stand for it.
TRUMP: No, that's not what I said. I was talking about isolated sections of the internet and only in certain countries. All we need is a few of our smartest people, like Bill Gates or the guy who invented the beanbag chair. They can certainly figure out how to shut ISIS down without interrupting our countries internet service.
ME: So I'd still be able to watch porn.
TRUMP: Sure, if that's what you like.
ME: Alright, I guess I'm okay with that one then. Lets talk a little about the recent endorsement you received from the Gorgon of Greek mythology, Medusa. During a speech in Iowa, Medusa had several complementary things to say about you as a person and friend, but my question is this; aren't you worried about her turning your supporters to stone before they have a chance to vote?
TRUMP: Are you referring to Sarah Palin?
ME: Yes, I believe that's the name she adopted since crawling from her cave on the island of Sarpedon.
TRUMP: Hey, I love Sarah, she's a great girl and I'm proud to have her endorsement.
ME: You didn't answer the question.
TRUMP: Okay, yes. I am a little worried about her turning people to stone.
ME: I knew it. I like your honesty and that your willing to speak your mind, but this very often gets you in trouble with the press and public, doesn't it? Any plans in the future to actually think about what your going to say before you say it?
TRUMP: No. I have a quick mind, quicker than most. I did go to the Wharton School of Business, you know.
ME: Yes, I did know, but that's only because you say it every time your in front of a camera.
TRUMP: I get this all the time, people telling me I need to "watch what I say" or "be more respectful of feelings" but that's a bunch of garbage. I'm sick and tired of political correctness, I'm going to say what's in my head and if you cant take it, I really don't care.
ME: I feel the same way, listen to this; Your a dick. See that? Calling you a dick was on my mind and I just did it without regard for your feelings. I'll do it again. Ready? I hope a terrorist flies a plane into that pumpkin on your head.
TRUMP: Okay, okay, you made your point.
ME: Are you sure? I have a lot more insults I could hurl your way.
TRUMP: Just get to the next question, I'm about to finish up here and I have other things to do.
ME: Really? Like what?
TRUMP: Like what? I'm running for president of the United States.
ME: Good God! Your running for president of the United States?
TRUMP: Of course. What did you think was going on here?
ME: To be honest I didn't really know. I thought maybe it had something to do with that reality show you host.
TRUMP: You gotta be kidding me? I quit The Apprentice so I could make my run for the presidency.
ME: You quit at top rated television show that paid you millions of dollars a year so you could take a job that pays less than half a million a year? That sounds like a pretty bad business move. Are you sure you didn't get fired for being nuts?
TRUMP: That's ludicrous. This isn't about the money, I'm worth billions. This country needs help with its massive debt and only someone with a first class education from the Wharton School Of Business can save it.
ME: There you go again. Okay, if that's the case we should get Elon Musk to do it. He also when to Wharton and he's not nearly as annoying as you.
TRUMP: I like Elon and would probably vote for him were he running. But Elon is too busy working on time travel and building a Death Star around Neptune to bother with a presidential race.
ME: So who are you voting for then?
TRUMP: Bernie Sanders.
ME: Really. Not yourself?
TRUMP: Hey, I'm not stupid, I did go to the...
ME: ...Wharton School of Business. Yeah, yeah, I know.
TRUMP: Okay, I'm about done here. Anything else before I get back to my table?
ME: Yeah, absolutely. Could I please have Ivanka's cell number.
TRUMP: What. You really think I'm going to give my daughters cell number to some stranger I met in the bathroom?
ME: I wont tell her you gave it to me.
TRUMP: No. (flushing sound)
ME: Can I have Ivanka's address if I promise never to let her catch me peeking through the window?
TRUMP: No. Goodbye.
End Of Recording