I don't want you thinking this has anything to do with podiatry, which requires a pre-med degree followed by four years in a doctoral program at an accredited podiatric college. No, Solestry only requires a foot fetish, and twenty minutes on YouTube, to learn (if you play the video at high speed it only takes about twelve).
Experts like myself are able to take one look at a foot and immediately know a great deal about it's owner. I can tell your shoe size, what color socks you prefer, which little piggy went to market, and a host of other intimate details about your life, that most people would not pick up on.
I've gotten so good the police have used my skills on more than one occasion to help solve some of the worlds most infamous crimes. Just last year there was a renowned case involving a thief who would steal the feet off of priceless works of art. The left foot from Michelangelo's Pieta, one of the heals off of Rodin's, The Thinker, the big toe off the Statue of Liberty, would have all been lost to history, had I not applied my unique skills to track them down.
One of the biggest misconception people have is to think you need to be a Psychic or Medium to do a foot reading. On the contrary, being able to see into the mind of some weirdo that wants a stranger to fondle their toes, would actually be a detriment to Solestry. Examining features of the feet such as height of the arch, and number of hairs between the toes, is what provides the foot reader with their information.
Feet serve as a mirror to the sole, showing, on the outside, exactly what is happening on the inside. In her book, "How I Killed My Husband With A Shovel," Francine Underoos, discusses how her husbands feet seemed to change after they were amputated and replaced with those of an Ostrich.
"Looking at that wrinkly grey skin, and those thick black nails made me realise just how unhappy I was with the man I once loved. It was for this reason I killed him....also because he was fucking my sister."
Although I've been successful in my practice (if you call eleven thousand dollars a year, and athlete's foot on your hands, successful), I fear that it may be time to give up my vocation and move on. Not because I don't have the skill to perform my job, or desire to make less money than a kid with a Kool-Aid stand, but because I have recently begun to get disgusted by the sight of feet.
Bunions, corns, fungal infections, have all lost the beauty they once held. Now, when I see a foot, be it that of a stunning model, or one the cops bring me in a baggie, I feel the same revulsion I once reserved for expired sea food, and Stephen Dorff.
I think it began last month when I had a reading with a homeless man looking for advice on weather or not to move out of the fridge box where he currently resided, and into a more spacious trash bin. He was a nice enough man, but when he removed the empty tissue boxes acting as shoes, then unwrapped the slices of peperoni doubling for socks, the sight of his rancid feet caused me to vomit my chicken nuggets all over my autographed picture of Tobey Maguire's mom.
Ever since seeing those rotting stumps of blackened flesh, I've found myself unable to be in the same room with exposed feet. It's gotten so bad I've started showering in mukluk's, and swimming with sneakers.
I went to see a friend of mine who's an Elbow Reader, to see if she could help. Unfortunately, because I lost both my elbows in a wind surfing accident, she could do nothing for me. She did however, recommend I talk to the Bellybutton Reader living in her shed.
I don't mean to sound rude, but bellybutton reading is a bunch of bullshit. Unlike foot, palm, elbow or scrotum reading, bellybutton reading is nothing more then easily debunked pseudoscience. It only gets attention from the press because famous people like the guy who does the used car commercials, and Shirley MacLaine, practice it.
I'm not the type of guy that falls for cheap parlor tricks or silly confidence games, so I only had eight sessions with the bellybutton reader, costing me about eleven hundred dollars. I feel sorry for the people who are unable to see through her vail of deception, and end up spending huge sums of money to listen to her mumble about building a nuclear weapon.
Needless to say, she was of no help. Now I find myself unable to get any meaningful form of employment, because of my complete lack of discernible skills. I have no education, other than a certificate in Croshay Needle Repair. No desire to do the only job I've ever loved. And no way to clean my feet, because the sight of them makes me hurl.
Someone suggested I see a therapist to help me get over my aversion to feet. I don't know a lot about therapy, only that you have to have been molested by an uncle, or beaten by a stepfather for it to work, so I think I'll take a pass.
So, my complete lack of skills coupled with my refusal to work very hard, leaves me with only one choice....I think I'll get into politics.