The concept of astral projection has been around for thousands of years, dating back to ancient China. It's currently associated with the New Age movement, but don't let that mislead you into thinking it's all hogwash. Both Gary Busey, and Charlie Sheen claim to practice it regularly, so you know it must have some merit.
Most of the people I've described astral projection to, brush me off as just another lunatic with no pants on, but if they only had the courage to give it a try, they would see just how amazing it really is.
Some people can astral project naturally, others are afraid to remove their consciousness from the physical body and never learn to do it. So basically, if you're not able to astral project, it's entirely your fault for being such a poltroon. I can do it anytime I want, which makes me special, or at least that's what I tell myself (my mother agrees).
Knowing how many doubters there are my plan for this blog was to spend several days going over all the scientific evidence there is for astral projection, then relay that information to the reader. But after much thought, and several Fuzzy Navel's, I have come to the conclusion, it would be far less work for me to just make a whole bunch of stuff up, call it true, and hope you don't fact check me, so that's what I'm going to do.
Lets begin with exactly what is happening while an individual is astral projecting.
The Astral is one of two planes on the fifth dimension; it's where dreams occur, where mysticism was born and where Jesus goes to shoot hoops. Spiritual beings abound, dispensing the knowledge of the universe to accepting minds. They will show you hidden wisdom about the process of awakening, free your mind of the finality of death, and get you front row seats to a Black Keys concert. You actually find yourself in another dimension, existing outside the physical world. You will be able to fly, walk through walls, travel to any point in the universe, all without leaving the comfort of your vibrating chair. It's a profound experience.
If done properly, the traveler can also traverse the material world as an invisible soul. You could go see a movie in the nude, or hang out in Beyoncé's dressing room during costume changes, all without anyone ever knowing you were there.
While astral projecting you remain attached to your physical body by a thick, silver umbilical cord. Some people (me included) are able to see the cord when projecting. It's the only part of this whole experience I could do without. The umbilical cord is randomly affixed to the body, making each persons connection point different. Mine is attached to my uvula, making verbal communication nearly impossible in the astral world, and dry mouth a constant companion.
To astral project one must feel totally relaxed. There should be no sharp objects protruding from your abdomen, or vultures plucking at your eyeballs, reclining is best. I like to project in a warm bath with my favorite tugboat bobbing among the bubbles. It makes me feel safe. A comforter over the physical body is a good way to prevent the chill that sometimes occurs, and slippers will help prevent some jackass from tickling your feet while traveling.
Once the body is relaxed, the traveler closes their eyes and begins a series of deep breathing exercises meant to help the mind find the pathway to the astral plane. Once found, the soul rockets from the physical body like alimony payments from my bank account. During this stage many people experience what is mistakenly described as snoring, but is in fact a beacon sent out by the physical form, helping the spirit to find it's way home.
Aside from the obvious fun of it, there are several reasons people should practice astral projection. First, it's great for the environment. Just imagine never having to drive, hop the bus, or ride a boxcar with a hobo, again. Overnight, we could cut the carbon emissions generated by gas powered vehicles, down to zero.
Another great benefit is the amount of money that can be saved. I could personally save NASA billions of dollars on rockets, and boosters, and rovers, by simply curling up in a warm tub and projecting myself to the surface of Mars. I could learn to work with a microscope and collect soil samples, and I'd only charge them one hundred million for my time, plus another $11.99 for the bubble bath. That may sound like a lot, but really isn't when you consider how greedy I am.
For those of you wanting to learn how to project, or simply desiring more information on the subject, I plan on opening my own school, very soon. It's going to be stupid expensive, and you probably wont learn very much, but my experience has taught me that school is not really about learning, anyway. Rather, it's a place for awkward sexual encounters with the janitor, and daily beatings by the kid who smells like bug spray. This environment, which made me the nonbinary transgender, centerfluid, person I am today, is the same one I plan on providing for all my future students. I may even set up a designated safe space for all those offended by the Trump tattoo on my forehead.
Weather you choose to piss your money away at my school, or simply teach yourself how to astral project using books and videos, you will be doing yourself a favor. It's an amazing escape for the mind that can only be matched by a handful of peyote and blow to the head. And don't forget, there's no law against sending your spirit self in to Heidi Klum's bathtub, late one night, or for those of you a little more depraved, John Goodman's toilet bowl. No one will ever know.