People suffering with everything from rheumatoid arthritis to Feline Aids have been finding quick relief for their illness in the form of a simple copper bracelet worn on the wrist or ankle.
The bracelet works by realising tiny amounts of copper into your skin which is then absorbed by the body and used to regrow joint cartilage, along with the odd skin tumor. I'm told by medical professionals that copper accumulation impairs clearance of beta amyloid from the brain leading to an incremental risk of Alzheimer's, but since I don't know what most of those words mean, I have chosen to ignore it.
Although the bracelet is the most common form of copper healing device on the market a recent increase in popularity has driven manufactures to begin production on a variety of copper filled products not seen before. Calvin Klein for example is set to release copper infused jock straps meant to cure impotence while guarding against a puck to the nuts. Charmin has introduced copper toilet paper that not only rids the backside of dingleberries but heals swollen hemorrhoids along the way. There are also copper hats that prevent headaches, copper Pudding Pops that prevent gas, copper plants that never need to be watered, and a whole host of other useless products no one will ever buy.
But it doesn't stop there. A new company based out of Shithole, Kansas has recently begun to sell miniature bracelets that are pet friendly. I am proud to say that I was one of the first customers to purchase these pet bracelets for my cat, Meowly Cyrus. Meowly suffered from a very common cat affliction known as 'being an asshole' which caused her to attack anyone daring to enter my home. After placing bracelets on each of Meowly's four paws it became impossible for her to walk, let alone attack the cable guy. Now, thanks to the wonder of copper she spends her days on the kitchen floor whimpering instead of strutting around with attitude and shitting in my cowboy boots.
To the uneducated eye it may be difficult to believe why anyone would spend thirty-five dollars on fifty cents worth of copper that turns your wrist green when you sweat. But for the skeptics out there, an immense amount of data can be found on the effectiveness of copper as a healing agent (not really).
For instance, did you know that eight out of ten people claiming to be a doctor on the internet recommend eating pennies as part of a healthy diet? Six out of ten recommend sleeping on copper sheets. Four out of ten can't spell the word "copper". And three out of ten have blocked me on Facebook. If that wasn't convincing enough, copper has long been shown to be an excellent remedy for copper deficiency.
A good friend of mine claims that any apparent "healing" caused by copper is nothing more than a product of the placebo effect. To which I reply, any apparent placebo effect is nothing more than a product of the copper bracelet. Then he calls me an idiot, and I call him a douchebag, and round and round we go until one of us get angry and jumps from the car.
But his wife is ugly, so who cares what he thinks. Instead, I prefer to get my information from a reputable source, like the girl who does my weekly chakra alignment. She knows far more about copper than the people who know nothing about copper and she says my new blue jeans make my ass look great, which has nothing to do with copper but makes me feel good so I like repeating it.
I think the best evidence out there for the effectiveness of copper is personal testimony. Wave after wave of individuals suffering from a variety of afflictions claim their ugly magic jewelry has helped them in some way. Even if there is no scientific evidence the sheer number of people who claim to be helped by copper can't be ignored....unless you choose to ignore it.
If I assert that my missing toe has grown back because of my copper anklet who the hell are you to tell me I'm wrong? Just because you can clearly see my little piggy hasn't returned from market, doesn't mean it's not there in my mind. And what happens in our minds is all that really counts. Reality may prove that my toe is in some landfill being eaten by a seagull, but if my mind tells me I just stubbed it on the bed frame, the pain feels real, meaning the toe must be real too.
If this make no sense to you it's probably because your not an idiot, but we can fix that. Empty your mind of everything (except where you put your car keys) and repeat over and over to yourself, "I believe everything Oprah tells me. I believe everything Oprah tells me." Do this non stop for eight months straight, and you will start to see the truth in what I say.
If your too cheep to buy a bracelet or all your money is tied up in prostitutes, no need to worry, copper is all around. It's in microwaves, refrigerators, dishwashers, and washing machines. Your home’s plumbing, heating and electrical wiring also contains copper. Televisions, computers, smartphones, zippers, buttons, hinges, door locks, fixtures, roofing, flashing, coins, cutlery, vacuums, clocks, light switches, pots and pans. As a matter of fact, it difficult to find something in your home not made with copper.
So even if your not wearing a bracelet you are still getting all the benefits copper has to offer, which is probably why you never get sick or suffer from joint pain.
Thank you copper.