God is gay, literately. I don't mean that as a metaphor or figure of speech, I mean it as an empirical matter-of-fact that can be proven using God's own words and actions as put forth in the bible. And I'm not referring to a conservative, tie wearing, Anderson Cooper kind of gay, but a full on Freddie Mercury in tight purple short-shorts and bedazzled, yellow top hat, type gay.
So, in the spirit of being as offensive as possible, let me break down my reasoning in a poorly constructed manner that will convince no one but myself.
Lets begin at the beginning, when there was nothing.
In a matter of a few days, God pulls the entirety of the universe out of His prodigious ass. He then has a giant party to celebrate His stunning creation, but because God has not yet created any people, no one shows up to His gathering and He is forced to play lawn darts alone while the jalapeno poppers and cheese sticks grow cold.
This gives his worshipfulness an idea. He will create a bipedal organisms in His own image that enjoys laughter and dance, then invite it to the party where the two of them can frolic in the fresh green grass and maybe share a glass of root beer with a scoop of ice cream in it.
And what kind of creature would you guess God decides to slap together? A tall, beautiful Swedish woman with an oral fixation? How about a diminutive Asian gal that loves to give foot massages? Maybe even a sweet Canadian lass that smells like maple syrup? Not even close. God instead creates a harry chested, testicle dangling, dude. He could have made anything or anyone He wanted as a companion, yet He chose to make someone with a penis, I think that says a lot about God.
I also assume Adam's penis functioned in the same manner as it does for men today, which would mean Adam had sexual urges just like everyone else, and being omniscient, God was certainly aware of this. Would God, an all loving entity, deny His only friend the pleasure of sexual release? My guess is no. God would certainly have helped Adam out with a divine handy, followed by several hours of cuddling over champagne and garlic toast.
If you're wondering about the arrival of Eve, my guess is she was created after incessant bitching from Adam who wasn't actually gay, but only pretending to be because he was afraid of being turned into a tree fungus by his jealous creator. This rejection would certainly have angered God to the point where He finally ejects Adam and his domineering girlfriend from the garden so He can spend the rest of eternity yelling at homosexuals and crying into a hankie.
Leviticus 18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with woman kind; it is an abomination.
Leviticus 20:13 - If a man also lie with mankind as he lieth with woman kind, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death.
Jude 1:7 - Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth as an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.
Mark 10:6-9 - But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
Romans 1:27 - And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men, working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was met.
These passages are but a small slice of a vast cornucopia of malevolent, homophobic gibberish that God scatters throughout His magic book. He makes it abundantly clear that a man who chooses to blow his buddy like a slide whistle is committing a heinous attack on God's good name. But why does God have to drone on about it? All he has to do is say it once and leave it at that, instead he sprinkles it all through the bible, as if we couldn't figure it out the first time.
So why does he say it so often and in so many different ways? Let me offer a long winded explanation.
I have a friend that never hesitates to tell me how much he dislikes Justin Bieber. We can be frolicking in the ball pit at McDonalds or shooting fireworks at a passing diesel truck, and out of nowhere he will go off on a tirade about what an untalented jerk, Bieber is. He does this all the time. I've told him over and over I don't care, but he just keeps blathering on about how only teenage girls and people with a head injury could stand his music.
Then one day I showed up at his condo unannounced. As I climbed the stairs to his place I could hear Justin Bieber blasting from behind his door. Without knocking, I walked in on him dancing around the living room, using a rolling pin as a microphone, while he sang along to 'Love Yourself.'
The shock of me catching him doing that which he railed against, caused him to break down and cry like my Mom when she saw my first report card.
So what does all this have to do with God being gay?
I believe the reason God castigates the gay community so vehemently is because, like my friend, He is secretly fighting back desires He is ashamed of. Attacking homosexuals is simply a reaction to the baffling cravings God feels every time He eats a banana or watches men's gymnastics.
My hope for God is that Dr. Phil is soon killed by a falling drone or dismembered by an angry snow leopard, so that he can sit down with God and help Him come to terms with His longing for manly bits, and stop admonishing those who are brave enough to accept that which He can not.
Isaiah 55:9 - For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
John 3:19-20 - By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.
Psalm 147:5 - Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.
Colossians 2:3 - In whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
Matthew 6:8 - Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
As we can clearly see by the passages above, God is all knowing. If He is all knowing He knows what semen tastes like. If He knows what semen tastes like He is either gay or a woman, and since God makes excessive statements about the inferiority of women all throughout the bible, He must be, by process of elimination, gay.
Now, it could be that He knows what semen tastes like because His girlfriend french kissed him after oral sex, but I don't think God would participate in oral sex considering it's not kosher. Or it could be He once lost a game of ookie cookie to some archangels, but I don't think that is true either in view of God's disapproval of masturbation.
This of course, leads us to the only explanation which is, God is gay.
There are a myriad of additional reasons why I believe God to be gay, such as His lack of girlfriends when He came to earth as Jesus, or His fascination with the removal of foreskin, which makes the penis look less like a squinting eel and more like a delicious blow pop.
If I could talk to God I would tell Him, it's time to come out of that heavenly closet and embrace who He truly is. It's 2016, no one cares if He wants to hang out at the "Rusty-Nut" and dance the night away. No one cares if He enjoys running his fingers through a harry chest, or playing "Ring Toss" with an erect penis. Embrace who you truly are Oh Lord of Lords, accept your desires, admit the truth and your life will be filled with an eternity of glitter and love.