-A spot on Americas Got Talent
-A jar to put my change in
- Please Read Before Signing:
Hell stands by its commitment to accept only the most loathsome of sinners upon it's torrid shores. If for any reason (imagined or otherwise) we believe your soul undeserving of a place among our coveted inferno, Hell reserves the right to consider this contract null and void.
The forfeiture of ones soul to The Dark Master is considered a privilege and requires adherence to multiple stipulations and regulations before your request can be processed successfully. The following guidelines must be agreed to before becoming a successful candidate;
- Stipulations & Such
-I have been informed and understand that female gender pronouns are now considered mandatory when addressing Satan. Failure to comply with the stipulated pronouns may lead to immediate expulsion from Hell and or loss of all Frequent Sinner points. Acceptable names include; (1) Miss Istopheles, (2) Lucy Fur, (3) Bella Zebub, (4) Auntie Christ, (5) Oprah. Pretty Girl, Hot Pants, and Lady in Red, will also be accepted during non formal gatherings.
-To facilitate the proper management of Hell, all complaints, criticisms or suggestions of any kind relating to the operations or personnel should be hand written in detail on single sided loose leaf and thrown in the garbage.
-The parties agree that this agreement was agreed upon by the parties that agree and constitutes the entire agreement and understanding of the parties weather they understand it or not. It is further agreed that this agreement can be modified at any time and in any manner without having to inform the other party (that's you).
-The management of Hell provides motorised carts and Segway's as a means of transportation between levels. Obey all signs and roped areas and use the cart path where provided. Colliding, squashing, crushing, or flattening of guests is encouraged. The renter is responsible for the return of the cart in its original condition, free of blood, hair, or urine. Charges may be applied for any damage caused, or just because we feel like it.
-Smoking is only permitted if you are on fire.
-I hereby release and discharge The Pits of Hell, its owner(s), ogres, troglodytes, demons, trolls, brutes, beasts, or devils from any liability, claims, demands, injury, damage, action, or cause of action whatsoever, which may result during eternal torture. Hell will undoubtedly be responsible for any items lost or stolen while on its premises, but reserves the right not to care.
-Guests of Hell shall not discriminate against any individual unless said discrimination involves the individual's race, religion, creed, color, sex, nation of origin, age, physical disability, or martial status.
With my signature above I affirm that I have read this agreement, understand most of the single syllable words, understand that my Mother will probably never speak to me again, and have signed with minimal inducement from alcohol or drugs. I further understand that irrespective of how poorly constructed or nonbinding this contract appears, I will pledge to follow its rules and stipulations until I no longer feel like it.