"And as he journeyed, he came near Damascus; and suddenly there shined round about him a light from heaven. And he fell to the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him, "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?" And he said, "Who art thou, Lord?"
And the Lord said, "I am Jesus whom thou persecutest...."
- Christ, I feel like this guy has been going on forever. Blah, blah, blah, Jesus is Superman, I get it. I think this is the same sermon he gave last week. He's probably drunk again. I wish I was drunk. My butt's itchy.
"And he trembling and astonished said, Lord, what will thou have me do? And the Lord said unto him, Arise, and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do....."
- My god, the guy sitting in front of me has a shinny head. He must polish that thing before leaving the house. I wonder if they make head polish? If they don't, they should. Why do I feel like strangling somebody?
"Now, I doubt seriously if the early church was praying for Saul's conversion. Is Saul of Tarsus a candidate for conversion? I don't think so. But God has the ability to reach the unreachable....."
- What the hell is this guy even talking about? Why doesn't he tell us something useful, like why Indian food smells better coming out than it does going in? Or why it's so hard to defecate while running? This would be information I could use. I should have brought my headphones.
"God saved the whole city of Nineveh. Do you think that Jonah prayed for their salvation? I think he thought they were unsavable. However, Jonah discovered that God is able to save the unsavable...."
- I wish God would save me from this sermon....Uh oh, why is Tina looking at me like that? I think she knows I'm not paying attention. I hate that she knows me so well. I should have married a guy, he wouldn't even notice my mind is wandering let alone care about it. I don't think I'd be able to get past the whole 'penis' thing, though. Maybe I could marry a guy who lost his penis in a fire, or had it gnawed off by an angry badger....wait a minuet! Why the hell am I thinking about marrying a dude? I gotta get out of here, it's messing with my brain.
"He can do the unthinkable, even raise the dead. Read Mark 5:35-43, and you will discover that those associated with this man and his daughter had accepted that she was dead and there was no more need for Jesus...."
- De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you. De do do do, de da da da, their innocence will pull me through. I love that song. I should find it on iTunes when I get home.....Why does this place smell like oranges? That's a strange smell for a church, most of them smell like desperation and fear, not oranges. O-R-A-N-G-E, orange. That's a funny word, it kinda reminds me of 'orangutan.' The orangutan ate an orange. Oooo-rang-uuuu- taaan. Clint Eastwood had an orangutan, lucky bastard.
"Jesus as the incarnate God in a human body had no problem with raising the dead. He did because God can do the unthinkable, and that which all believe to be impossible....."
- Oh my, Mrs. Kelly is wearing that low cut sweater again. I love that sweater, it packs all her girly parts in nice and tight. I wish I had breasts, I would paint one to look like the Buffalo Bills helmet and the other to look like the 49ers, then go to the game topless. I'd be so popular, people would buy me a beer just to touch one, and I'd let them too.
"Finding the Lord is not as difficult a task as one might expect. He resides in all of nature. He even resides within you, and is always attentive to your needs, you need only look to find His grace....."
- I hate when people say they "found Jesus." What does that even mean? Did they find him hiding in the pantry behind a box of Wheat Thins? Or under the front seat of the car next to an empty Starbucks cup? If I ever stumble across Jesus hiding in my lettuce crisper, I'm going to kick his heavenly ass. First, for being in my fridge without permission; second, for putting his dirty feet on my food; and lastly, for giving me a third nipple. I mean what the hell am I supposed to do with this thing, anyway?
"He can be everyplace at once; Mathew 10:29 says, Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your father. For God has the power and the presence to know....."
- I wonder how many people here actually read the bible? I haven't read that stupid thing in years. So and so begat so and so, then they begat someone else who also begat someone else, and on it goes for what feels like forever. The guys that wrote that thing were probably high on mushrooms. Gross. I hate mushrooms. Why would anyone eat something with the word "mush" in it's name?
"And Jesus knows your heart better than anyone. He provides comfort for the daily troubles we all face and asks only for your devotion and love in return...."
- I have to love Jesus, I have to love my wife, I have to love my friends, I'm getting a little tired of loving all these people. When am I going to get to hate someone for a change?
"What use is the gold in the mountain, or the diamond in the mine when you have not love for Jesus? Your riches are fleeting, lasting only as long as this life, but the end is near...."
- Oh shit, the end is near? I guess I won't pay the cable bill this month.
"Will you be ready for the coming of the Lord? Will you be able to stand proud before Him as He takes an accounting of your deeds, both good and bad....."
- I think I'll get a cat, but not the kind you have to feed every day, that's too much responsibility. I want one that doesn't make any noise either....or walk around the house...or sit on my lap...maybe I should just get a plant instead.
"I ask that each of you take risks in the name of Jesus, to be bolder in your faith, to live more and more for the one who died and rose again for you...."
- I wish I was blind, then I could wear dark glasses everywhere I went and take a nap without anyone noticing, like now. I wouldn't see the collection plate coming around either, that would save me five bucks a week. Or maybe I'd rather be deaf so I wouldn't have to listen to all this Jesus talk. But if I was deaf, how would I know when the microwave was finished warming my muffin? I need to think about this some more.
"And so, let me just finish by thanking you all for coming here on this chilly Sunday morning, and ask that you go home tonight and read the word of God with your family...."
- Fuck! Now he wants me to read. I should convert to Rastafarianism so I can start smoking pot and stop washing my hair. De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you.