I'm still not sure what the war on Christmas is all about, but if it involves melting snowmen with a flamethrower or slapping people that say, "Merry Christmas," count me in. I've never been in a war so if there is a war going on, or more specifically a war that involves using words instead of bullets, I want to be a part of it.
First I have to pick a side.
One group says that Christmas is a holiday celebrated by all people, regardless of their faith. Because of this, businesses should attempt to be more inclusive with their language, using "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The other group says a magic baby was born in manger, so saying "Happy Holidays" is insulting.
One side believes in the separation of church and state, claiming that if you allow a nativity scene to be placed on public property you must then permit other religions to erect their displays as well, and before you know it, City Hall looks like a miniature golf course. This observation is quickly countered by the other side who claim that unlike other religious depictions, Christian displays don't have brown people in them, so they're not offensive.
"Secular ideology is encroaching on our fundamental right to worship whichever sky monkey we desire." Is shouted by one side as they decorate pagan trees while lying to their children about a morbidly obese diabetic who enslaves dwarfs and forces them to build crappy toys. "Why do I have to hear that shitty music in every store I enter?" Is the much more important question asked by the other side.
So I guess, now that I've pretended to think about it, I want to be on the squad with the least amount of people wearing candy cane earrings, which is neither. I prefer not to choose a side, which means my only other option is to fight against both sides. This holiday season I will do my best to offend everyone, equally. I could try to not offend everyone equally, but that would mean I couldn't be rude to strangers, and I'm not doing that.
I think I'll start by telling my neighbour, who asks me every Christmas to go to church with him, that I believe his God to be a sissy because it couldn't figure out how to forgive sin without first passing through a vagina. This will cause a great deal of turmoil between the two of us and his wife will probably stop baking me those bricks of concrete she calls cookies, but nobody said war was easy.
Next, I'll send an email to Michael Shermer, the founder of skeptic magazine, wishing him a "Very Merry Christmas," and telling him the baby Jesus will be thinking about him all throughout the season. This of course, will be a lie, because Jesus doesn't waste his time on people who think for themselves, but Michael doesn't know that.
Decorating my house is going to be tuff to figure out. Do I just leave everything as is and be the only dark spot on the street? Or do I go all out with a nativity scene, some paper mache camels and a giant inflatable Jesus. Maybe I could do something like that guy in Ohio who put a zombie baby Jesus surrounded by zombie wise men, on his front lawn. Only, I could put Joseph Smith, Donald Trump, and Muhammad, all gathered around a manger containing a crucified cabbage patch kid. That's gotta' offend somebody.
Actually, I have no doubt how easy it's going to be to upset people, I won't even have to try very hard. They seem so desperate to be insulted over the smallest affront to their beliefs that the simplest things, like the color red for example, is enough to set them off. All I really have to do is just be my regular old self, speaking as I always do, and I am sure to rub them the wrong way.
Then again, I could be completely wrong, there may not actually be a war on Christmas. This whole thing could just be an invention of the media in order to get eyeballs in their direction and sell more advertising. Which means, I won't have to offend anyone, or spend thousands of dollars in shipping to order a life size Donald Trump doll, although I am thinking of ordering it anyway.