(1/20 - 2/18)
-As Mercury fondles the balls of Pluto, it becomes obvious that secrets may surface. Burn all records of the money you embezzled, tell your boyfriend your wife is suspicious, and let the kids know who their real dad is, because very soon it will all come crashing down. You have had an exciting few years of midget orgies and rectal piercings, but reality has caught up with you, and it's time to make a change.
(2/19 - 3/20)
-You are on the road to fame and fortune, but success is never easy. Those who can help to propel your career will expect certain favors in return for their assistance. Knee pads and mouthwash should never be more than a arms length away. You may feel like what you are doing is immoral, or unethical, and you'd be right. But this is how fame works, and if you can't blow a few old men or join a few 3-ways, maybe your not cut out to be famous and wealthy after all.
(3/21 - 4/19)
-You may think you need to work twice as hard and move twice as fast as everyone else, but the truth is, you can spend your days biting the heads off of gummi bears or watching cat videos, and the government will still send you a cheque to buy weed, stamps to buy food, and fix your broken leg when you get drunk and toboggan off the roof. Let those other fools waste their time chasing that golden ring, you work on unlocking the 50x sniper scope in Battlefield IV, and laugh about all the fools to dumb to let the tax payers fund their drunken, weekend orgies.
(4/20 - 5/20)
-Mars is in retrograde, which means it's a good time to try something new, like learning to skateboard, or auto-erotic asphyxiation. You have spent far too much time avoiding that which frightens you, or will get you arrested. Smoke that crack, eat that ice-cream, make love to your cat, these are the simple pleasures of life so often discussed. When death finally snatches your life, do you want to be able to say you tried it all, or are you just going to quietly shit the hospital bed and die?
(5/21 - 6/20)
-One of the girls you've locked in the root cellar used a rusty nail to pick the lock on her chains. When you were in the bathroom sanding your heals, she snuck out the window and is currently stumbling down the middle of the road. Unless you want to explain to the police why you've been collecting teenage girls in your basement, or still haven't paid that seatbelt fine, I suggest you put on the coat and hat you made from her sisters skin, and go get her.
(6/21 - 7/22)
-Stop being so optimistic and cheerful. Life is full of pain and suffering, your joyful demeanor and insistence on smiling, causes resentment and anger to all who see your stupid face. The stars have made it clear, there is little to no chance of you ever finding someone to love, making the hope you hold for the future, as useless as my certificate in astrology. Shut up, go to work, play with your cat, and forget about the idea of ending life without regrets. And wipe that annoying grin off your face.
(7/23 - 8/22)
-People call you fat behind your back.
(8/23 - 9/22)
-That strange smell coming from your teenage son's room is marijuana. But don't fret, if he was not loopy on smoke, and playing video games right now, he would be punching elderly people in the throat, and pushing shopping carts into traffic. He is a trouble maker who will spend his adult years locked in a cell, so that society no longer has to worry about his propensity for burning down government buildings. Enjoy his company while you can.
(9/23 - 10/21)
-It's time you stop thinking about vaginal rejuvenation surgery, and just do it. Those droopy walls and that disagreeable appearance will not fix themselves. With a few blasts from a laser and some zip ties, you can have that thing looking as good as it did before you banged the rugby team in collage. Your husband will thank you, your gynecologist wont recognize you, and the dog will stop gnawing on It while you sleep. Go for it.
(10/22 - 11/21)
-Its time to make yourself known to that girl you've had your eye on for the past month. The next time you sneak in her window while she sleeps, gently nudge her awake and tell her your feelings. Don't let her screams of terror dissuade you, this is merely a response to the overwhelming love she feels for you. Once the chloroform kicks in, she will be as docile as a Koala on a pot brownie, and love will begin to bloom.
(11/22 - 12/21)
-According to the alignment of Mars and Venus, the new toupee you purchased, makes you look as if a Barn Swallow is nesting on your head. Embrace the bald-headed old fart you truly are, and stop trying to look ten years younger. That cheap hairpiece is not able to cover the decades of wrinkles that line your pudgy face, or the gray hairs that sprout from your drooping man-boobs. You're not fooling anyone.
(12/22 - 1/19)
-You have been reading far too many horoscopes that give you false encouragement. Life can not be reduced to one simple paragraph, nor is it effected by the gravitational pull of stars. If you spent your time reading the science section of the daily paper, instead of the astrology page, more people may be interested in what you had to say, rather than wanting to slap you in the face with a shit filled sock (which they do).