*WARNING* The following is not intended for the faint of heart.
ME: I am standing on the front porch of Henry and Margaret Hutton's home, located at 42 Adams Drive, planet earth. I have been asked to assist in the removal of a demonic spirit that has invaded her husbands body and refuses to leave. Although I told Mrs. Hutton I was an expert in this field, I would like it to be noted that I lied, and have no idea what I'm do doing.
(three sharp knocks are heard, followed quickly be the squeak of an opening door)
MARGARET: Oh, thank God your here, I was worried you wouldn't come.
ME: That makes two of us.
MARGARET: Please, come in. Henry is in the living room. (footsteps)
ME: Okay Betty, I'm going to need you to do a few things for me.
MARGARET: It's Margaret.
ME: Whatever. I want you to remain silent while I'm speaking with the demon, if you start talking I'll be distracted and I need all of my wits about me if I'm going to overpower the spirit and drive it out of Paul.
MARGARET: Yes, Henry. I just said his name ten seconds ago.
ME: See, there you go talking and getting me all confused.
(sound of a T.V. in the background, more footsteps, a chair being moved)
ME: So, vile demon, we meet at last.
HENRY: Your standing in front of the T.V.
HENRY: The T.V., I cant see it, move over a couple steps.
ME: Oh, sorry. (shuffling) How's that?
ME: Good, now let me get to the point. You are possessed by the spawn of Satan and I am here to drive it from you and return to your wife the man she married. God is on my side, meaning eventually I will win, so why not make this easy on the both of us and take a hike right now.
HENRY: Hello. Yeah, hi Steve...you wouldn't believe it if I told you...well, it looks like my wife invited another one of her crazy friends over...no, I think they think I'm possessed...what do you mean by what, by the devil, of course. Stop laughing Steve. Look, Steve if you keep laughing I'm hanging up. Fine, I'm hanging up, I'll call you back when they're finished their little game.
MARGARTE: Was that Ursula?
HENRY: Ursula? Didn't you hear me say 'Steve', like ten times?
MARGARTE: I thought you were trying to trick me.
ME: Enough of this nonsense, I command you to leave this mans body. Be gone Jesus, be gone.
MARGARTE: Why are you asking Jesus to leave?
ME: Oh, was I? Stay Jesus, Stay. Go Satan go.
HENRY: How long are you guys going to be doing this? I'm missing the game.
ME: I shall not stop until the spirit that dwells within has been vanquished by the power of God, or until I start to get hungry, whichever comes first.
HENRY: Holy Christ, really?
MARGARTE: (screams) Aaaa, there he goes, blaspheming all over the place. It's the devil I tell you, the devil.
ME: Not to worry Cathy, I have my trusty crucifix ready and waiting...what the hell did I do with that thing. Wait, here it... (the sound of something falling to the floor and breaking).
HENRY: Did you just break my bust of Ed McMahon?
ME: Well, I broke 'a' bust of Ed McMahon, but I don't know that it was yours.
HENRY: Could you please just leave?
ME: Not until the breakfast starts at McDonalds, I love the egg mcmuffins.
HENRY: What if the demon leaves, will you go then?
ME: Sure, why not.
HENRY: Okay, fine. Ooga-booga, ooga-booga, I am Satan and I am scared of your awesomeness. Jesus is so tuff and I am so weak. I will leave this mans body and go back to hell where I can watch T.V. in peace and quiet, ooga-booga.
(twenty second of silence)
MARGARTE: Is it gone?
ME: Well, there's one way to find out for sure. (shuffling around)
MARGARTE: What's that?
ME: Its a water balloon filled with holy water. I'll throw it at his head and if he doesn't melt when it explodes, we know the demon is gone.
HENRY: If you throw that at me I'm going to get my gun.
ME: On second thought, I think I'll just ask him. Are you gone Mr. demon?
ME: Okay, my work is done here. Now, all that's left is the small matter of my fee. (papers are herd shuffling) Normally I don't charge for this sort of thing, but they don't just give out egg mcmuffins for free, you know. So, including the price of the balloon, and my bus fare to get here, that comes to...nine hundred dollars.
MARGARTE: Do you take cheques?
MARGARTE: Could I pay you in left over lasagna?
ME: Hell yeah.
(end of recording)