The following is an unedited transcript of an interview between police Sgt. Linus Larrabee and police Detective Charlie Allnut, with the prophet Muhammad, regarding a July 23 incident in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Audiotapes and a transcript of the interview were released today.
Muhammad was arrested in a bathroom by Larrabee, who was working undercover.
Larrabee said Muhammad exhibited behavior in the men's restroom that was "often used by persons communicating a desire to engage in sexual conduct."
Muhammad later pleaded guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct.
MUHAMMAD: Call me Moe.
OFFICER: I think I'll stick with "Mr. Muhammad."
MUHAMMAD: Suit yourself.
OFFICER: I'm just going to read you your rights real quick, okay? You got it?
MUHAMMAD: Yeah, sure.
OFFICER: You have the right to remain silent, just like you prefer your women. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, then later distributed on the internet for all to see. You have the right to talk to a lawyer now or have a lawyer present anytime during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, the worst one we can find will be appointed to you without cost. Do you understand each of these rights the way I have explained them to you?
MUHAMMAD: What was that part about a lawyer?
OFFICER: You have the right to have one. Do you want one?
MUHAMMAD: Can I think about it?
OFFICER: No, thinking is not one of your rights.
MUHAMMAD: I guess I'll pass then. I'm not going to jail am I? I mean, it was you that solicited me.
OFFICER: So you wish to talk to us at this time?
MUHAMMAD: Yes, as long as I can get out of here before Dancing With The Stars, begins.
OFFICER: You don't have a DVR?
MUHAMMAD: I broke it over my youngest wife's head for showing her eyelids in public.
OFFICER: How about we just start off with your side of the story.
MUHAMMAD: Okay, um, I sat down, um, to go to the bathroom and ah, I had chicken shawarma that I'm sure was out of date. As a matter of fact I was planning on going back to the food cart I bought it from and relieving myself on the condiment table, but I couldn't make it. Um, that's when I stumbled into the bathroom we met at. You said our feet bumped. I believe that's correct ah, I have big feet and also suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome, it's considered a disorder. Sometimes my feet just start hopping around by themselves, which is wonderful on the dance floor or for curb stomping infidels, but gets me into trouble in public restrooms. So I guess it's possible we touched, but it was entirely innocent and um, the next think I knew, under the bathroom divider comes a card that says Police. Now, um, (sigh) that's about as far as I can take it. I don't know of anything else. Ah, maybe your foot came toward mine, or mine came towards yours, was that natural? I don't know. Did we bump? Yes. I think we did. You said so. I don't disagree with that.
OFFICER: (sound of unfolding paper) And what about this sketch of a bearded man performing oral sex on another man, you slid into my stall?
MUHAMMAD: Oh, uh, that was sitting on the toilet paper roll when I entered the stall. I was so disgusted by the image, because I'm not gay or anything, that I brushed it away, so it must have floated over to your side.
OFFICER: And what about here, where it says, "Ever been blown by a Prophet?"
MUHAMMAD: Yeah, that does seem like a funny coincidence. Hey, you know what? As I was entering the bathroom a man was on his way out, and I remember saying too myself, "Boy that guy sure looks like Joseph Smith. Maybe, when I'm done I could try to get an autograph."
MUHAMMAD: Sure, I hear he has a real thing for sticking cock in his ass, if you know what I mean?
OFFICER: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what you mean by that.
MUHAMMAD: Okay, great. Now that we've solved that mystery, am I free to go?
OFFICER: Don't be stupid. Your skipping some parts here, what about your hand?
MUHAMMAD: What about it? I saw your card on the ground, I reached down like this, and picked it up. That's all I remember.
OFFICER: You know, Mr. Muhammad, I'm a little disappointed in you right now. I'm not like the other officers who want to make a scene about situations like this. I try to treat everybody with dignity, and not embarrass them. But, right now you are clearly lying to me. What was in your hand?
MUHAMMAD: My hand?
OFFICER: Okay, we'll start over. All your going to have to do is pay a fine and you can go back to not reading or writing. But fist, you need to be honest with me here, Moe.
MUHAMMAD: Don't call me Moe, its insulting.
OFFICER: You told me to call you...never mind. Tell me Mr. Muhammad, what was in your hand.
MUHAMMAD: What did it look like to you?
OFFICER: It looked like your penis, Mr. Muhammad.
MUHAMMAD: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the appearance of that penis?
OFFICER: We're not here for that Mr. Muhammad. And I'd say it was a five and a half, at best.
MUHAMMAD: Five and a half! That's even more insulting. You've obviously not see many. I assure you it is considered very impressive among the ladies.
OFFICER: So your admitting your penis was in your hand?
MUHAMMAD: I'm admitting it's more than five and a half inches long, nothing else. Wait a minute, if I was sitting on the toilet in my stall, and you were in your stall, how did you see my penis in my hand?
OFFICER: Before you arrived we installed a mirror above your stall so that I could clearly see what you were up too. So let me try this one more time. What was in your hand Mr. Muhammad?
MUHAMMAD: Oh, Christ, that's disgusting. What if I just came in there to shit? Were you sitting in a public bathroom all day long, watching guy's shit with the hope that one of them would try and suck your dick?
OFFICER: I guess you could put it that way.
MUHAMMAD: Is there any other way to put it?
OFFICER: Not really.
MUHAMMAD: So why am I the bad guy? I just wanted to touch a ball, but you acted like a sex pervert. How much do they pay you to do something like that?
OFFICER: One hundred and fifty six thousand, plus a company car.
MUHAMMAD: Oh, well actually that's not such a bad salary.
OFFICER: The pension is really great as well, but enough about that Mr. Muhammad.
MUHAMMAD: Call me Moe.
OFFICER: What! Enough of this Mr. Muhammad, just answer my questions and stop playing games.
OFFICER: What did you just call me. (silence) Okay. You travel through here frequently, correct?
MUHAMMAD: I do.
OFFICER: Have you been successful at this before?
MUHAMMAD: I'm always successful at going to the bathroom. Well, maybe not always.
OFFICER: I mean at other types of illegal activities in bathrooms. Have you been successful at them?
MUHAMMAD: No. Absolutely not. I don't see any activity in bathrooms.
OFFICER: I know you want to fight me on this. But you have to accept the situation you are in. I'm trained in this and I know what I am doing. And I say you drew that picture, you wrote the words on it, you had your penis in your hand, and you wanted to pick me up.
MUHAMMAD: I, I, I admit I may have inadvertently gotten myself aroused thinking about Robin Thicke's mustache. But if you saw my hand on my penis it's only because I was trying to push it down. Back into place. You know.
OFFICER: No, Mr. Muhammad. I'm afraid I don't know. I just, I just. I guess, I'm gonna say I'm just disappointed in you sir. I just really am. I expect this from the Catholics, but you. I mean people worship for you.
MUHAMMAD: Yes, yes they do. And you would be smart to remember what kind of people worship me. I don't want to say that I could have you killed with a simple wave of my hand, but I could have you killed with a single wave of my hand.
OFFICER: I thought you didn't want to say that.
MUHAMMAD: I lied. Now, if you don't let me out of this office and forget about this whole experience, in the next two minutes, my homies are going to kick down that door and go Charlie Hebdo on your ass.
OFFICER: (silence) Um. (silence) Ah. (silence) I think that maybe...maybe...Yes, now I remember. That was not you at all. Now that I think about it, Joseph Smith was in the stall next to me, not you.
MUHAMMAD: Thank you. But I still may have you killed for saying I have a small wiener.
OFFICER: I think maybe we have all we need here. Your free to go Mr. Muhammad.
MUHAMMAD: Call me Moe.
End of tape.