Late one spring night as I sat on my porch cutting the gum from my raccoons fur, I happen to looked up just in time to see a large triangular object moving slowly across the sky. It made no discernible noise nor did it appear to have any lights other than the dimly lit points on each of its three tips.
It's not that I don't think aliens exist, I do, I just don't think they're visiting our planet on a regular basis, and I certainly don't think that while here they're abducting farmers and thrusting utensils up their ass. I don't know about you but if I were to make contact with an alien creature my first thought wouldn't be to start shoving thing up its butt. I would most likely start with a friendly handshake, or a "how-do-ya-do," but I can assure you its rectum would not be on the top of my list.
Seeing that floating triangle really had me confused. Was it real? Was I imagining it? My uncle Johnny thought his lawn gnomes came to life at night and held orgies in the tool shed, so it could be possible that lunacy ran in my family. I don't think my Mom and Dad are crazy though, not in the conventional way that is. She attaches magnets to everything thinking they help remove the "negative energy," and he only eats food that begins with the letter 'S', which makes the two of them odd, but certainly not crazy.
No, I wasn't nuts, that space triangle in the sky was real, and probably cruising around the country side looking for a nice cow to turn inside out, or field of corn to draw some circles in.
As I stared dumfounded at what I believed to be a real U.F.O., something very telling happened; this space ship from another world, this floating triangle piloted by alien beings, this definitive evidence for the existence of life out side our world....quacked. Yes, it quacked, with the same pitch and tone as a plain old, earth bound, duck. And then it quacked again, and again, and just like being hit in the face with a sack of warm feces, the reality of what I was seeing snapped in to focus.
The object was not a triangular space ship at all, it was in fact, three ducks, or perhaps geese, flying in formation above my head. The dim light I was seeing at its points were nothing more than a reflection of the streetlights on their white underbellies. My fallible mind had filled in the spaces between the birds, giving it the look of a triangle, much like an optical illusion from one of those books I'm too cheap to buy.
The realization I was not going be sucked up by a tractor beam and anally explored by freaky green beings, left my sphincter both overjoyed and a little saddened. It also got me thinking about something else.
What if that duck had decided not to quack until I was out of earshot? I would probably have spent the rest of my life telling anyone that would listen that I had seen a U.F.O. People would snicker behind my back, the nicest of them calling me mistaken, the worst calling me crazy. No one would invite me to parties anymore because they would know that as soon as I got a few vodka gimlet's in my belly, I would start raving about the upcoming alien invasion (and I would too). I would lose my friends, my reputation, my credibility, and most likely end up shuffling down city streets with Kleenex boxes on my feet, smelling of urine and crying into my sleeve.
It was a stroke of luck for me and my sanity that those delicious birds decided to open their annoying beaks when they did. But now I can't help wonder about all those people I've watched on TV who claim to have seen their own unknown shapes floating over their homes or racing past their view. Did they really see what they think they saw? Or were they fooled by a trick of light and an absence of quack? I'm sure if I asked them they would steadfastly deny that their encounter bore any similarity to mine, but the more I think about it the more I think they're wrong.
We are constantly seeing all sorts of crazy things that just can't be explained, like someone paying to see an M. Night Shyamalan movie, but that doesn't mean these things are supernatural or otherworldly. I would guess that for the most part we are forming false opinions based on a lack of data and a hyperactive imagination.
If we just had all the facts we would see that that bump in the night was not a ghost, but the broom falling over in the closet, that light in the sky was not an interstellar craft, but a Chinese lantern released by laughing children, and that person shoving a cold steal rod up our butt, was not an alien, but the Asian hooker we paid 300 dollars to do so.
So if this little incident taught me anything it was that I should never jump to conclusions without first collecting all the data, and that I should never, ever, under any circumstances, look up.