The 2017, Roswell, New Mexico, UFO Conference.
World famous educators and experts (not really) from around the Chaves County area, converge for four days and three nights of discussion and debate on the topic of UFO investigation and abduction.
Daily lectures, interactive discussions and occasional lobotomies will be held in the main conference room of the fabulous Hotel Kuntz. Members are urged to book their rooms now to ensure receiving a suite without a camera in the bathroom. See below for a copy of this years schedule.
And don't forget to enter your name and bank account number at the front door to win one of six beautifully hand crafted tin foil fedoras.*
*Hotel Kuntz reserves the right to sell your banking information online
Tuesday, April 4
- 9:00 am - 10:00 am: Introduction to staff plus directions to all fourteen gender specific washrooms.
- 10:00 am - 12:00 pm: Speaker - Dr. Carl Erroneous (not a real doctor) presents his exclusive photos of alien bases on the moon, Bigfoot slam dunking a basketball, and the Loch Ness monster returning a dented lawn chair to Walmart.
- 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm: Macaroni and spam is served in the empty Koi pond.
- 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm: Round table discussion on the implications of mass alien invasion and it's effects on the dairy industry.
- 4:00 pm - 6:00 pm: Nap time.
- 6:00 pm - 6:30 pm: Calisthenics and fudge.
- 6:30 - 8:00 pm: Lecture - Senior Astronomer for the SETI Institute, Seth Shostak irritates everyone by claiming UFO's are not real and those who see them are mistaken. Afterward he travels to a children's cancer ward to tell the kid's Santa Claus is not real and the Easter Bunny is a tranny.
- 8:00 pm - 9:00 pm: Dr. Bob Hishead - Crop circles; Proof of Alien Contact, or just some drunk with a Plank of Wood?'
- 9:00 pm - 6:00 am: Lights out, dogs released. Any movement on the premises during this time will be met with ill-mannered name calling and a paint ball to the genitals.
Wednesday, April 5
- 6:00 am - Wake up call.
- 6:04 am - 8:00 am: Back to sleep.
- 8:00 am - Real wakeup call.
- 8:00 am - 8:30 am: Group shower and abduction scar comparison.
- 8:30 am - 11:00 am: Lecture - Lawrence (the kook) Morgenstern makes the case that his multiple abduction encounters have in no way effected him psychologically, before jumping out the window to his death
- 11:00 am- 12:00 pm: Speaker - Alan Cumberbatch a former NASA plumber discusses his years working at Area 51 snaking out toilets in alien aircrafts.
- 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm: Chef, La Nourriture de Merde, serves his world famous watermelon slices infused with bacon grease and mayonnaise.
- 1:00 pm - 1:30 pm: Group cry.
- 1:30 pm - 3:00 pm: Speaker, and 45th president of the United States, Donald Trump - Is Rosie O'Donnell an alien life force from another galaxy, or just a fat bitch?
- 3:00 pm - 5:00 pm: Discussion: Has Photoshop Rendered All UFO Footage Moot – Panelists: Ineda Glasses, Dan Aykroyd (Moderator) and Kathleen (the dyke) Mar. With the advent of Photoshop any basement dwelling troglodyte with an iPad or laptop can create a near perfect rendering of an alien craft in the time it takes his Pop Tart to cook. Given this information can we trust photo and video evidence of UFO's, or should we dismiss them as we do an old persons opinion of music?
- 5:00 pm - 6:00 pm: Story time with hot chocolate and marshmallows shaped like R2-D2.
- 6:00 pm - 6:00 am: Silence or punishment....you decide.
Thursday, April 6
- 8:00 am: Wake up call
- 8:30 am - 9:00 am: Heel scraping and boil lancing
- 9:00 am - 11:00 am: Speaker - Professor Tom Dean discusses his idea to stop alien invasions by building a wall around the planet, and how he'll make the aliens pay for it.
- 11:00 am - 12:00 pm: Dr. Stanton Friedman throws darts at a photograph of Michael Shermer while singing 'Little Lies' by Fleetwood Mac and balancing a ball on his nose.
- 12:00 pm - 1:00 am: Pizza and reefer.
- 1:00 pm - 1:30 pm: Quiet time in the safe space.
- 1:30 pm - 3:00 pm: Speaker - Professor Philip Mytank, from the university of Humbug (non-accredited) discusses the vast increase in UFO sighting in Mexico. Are aliens looking to overthrow the country, or do they just want a burrito?
- 3:00 pm - 5:00 pm: Debate. Reptilians or Robotoids....which would win a leg wrestle?
- 5:00 pm - 6:00 pm: Arts & crafts time; how to build your own anal probe using only duct tape, tinfoil, and a twelve inch dildo.
- 6:00 pm - 6:30 pm: Testing the probe.
- 6:00 pm - 7:00 pm: Removing the probe.
- 7:00 pm - 10:30 pm: Meet the Speakers Welcome Party & Dinner. A cash bar will be provided along with entertainment. Games include lawn bowling and bitch slapping. No children, pets, people under five foot six, or fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, allowed.
- 10:30 pm - 8:00 am: Sleep....or else.
Friday, April 7 (final day)
- 8:00 am: Wake up call
- 9:00 am - 10:00am: Speaker - Puff Watson, this years winner of the hit reality show, "Longest Toenails," stops by to discuss his encounter with a homeless man who claims to be from Pluto.*
- 10:00 am - 12:00am: Discussion - Bill Nye The Science Guy in discussion with a three week old bag of lettuce on the question; Why is it no one with a full set of teeth has been abducted by an alien?
- 12:00 pm - 1:00 pm: Due to insufficient funds todays lunch will consist of toothpaste on a Triscuit and a picture of a grain silo.
- 1:00 pm - 3:00 pm: David Icke - Extra Terrestrials & Religion; Why believing in either one makes you a retard.
- 3:00 pm - 3:30 pm: Primal scream therapy.
- 3:00 pm - 4:00 pm: Game Time: Pin the tail on the Atlantean.
- 4:00 pm - 5:30 pm: Group Discussion - Aliens or hemorrhoids....which does more damage to your ass?
- 5:30 pm - 7:00 pm: Final Lecture - Dr. Failed Medschool discusses his theory that punching an alien in it's huge, soft head would be bad for human/alien relations.
- 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm: Farewell dinner and orgy.