I used to drink a lot, because of this I often found myself laying on my back at two in the morning near the side of the road or in a strangers empty swimming pool, looking up at the night sky pondering the notion of intelligent beings from other worlds. I would dream of what they might look like and wonder if all the movies were right about them not wearing any pants.
I became obsessed and needed to know everything about them especially if their hats were more expensive then ours because their heads were so much bigger.
I was secretly jealous of the people I saw on T.V. that clamed to have been abducted and taken aboard an alien craft, and then it happened to me.I would first like to stress that I consider myself a fairly level headed fellow not normally prone to fits of delusion. What happened to me was not a fantasy brought on by the four grams of Hash I had eaten earlier that night, nor was it a result of the head injury I received at the hands of an ex-girlfriend with a pool cue. What happened was real, and pretending it was anything else, is to deny reality.
My truck had broke down on a deserted farm road. I was working for the electrical company at the time and was trying to locate a blown transformer, when a penetrating white light consumed my vehicle. I stuck my head out the window to see where it was coming from. The intensity of the light burned one side of my face, and gave me an uncontrollable desire to build a mountain out of mashed potatoes.....wait a minute, I think I'm remembering a scene from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. Sorry, let me go take a nap and clear my head a little.
Okay, I'm back, lets try this again.
I was just a kid when an adorable little alien was mistakenly left behind by his crew. We became good friends and I loved to feed him Reese's Pieces while he attempted to build a communicator out of my Speak & Spell.....God Damit! That's E.T. Let me try one more time.
I was riding my unicycle home from the pig races one humid summer night, when the thought occurred to me that I had not tormented old farmer Bob's three legged dog, in quite some time. Farmer Bob lived on a secluded dandelion farm that always smelled like melted plastic and dill pickle chips. He was old and heavily medicated on some kind of baboon tranquilizer most of the time, so I could ride around his property, mercilessly taunting his dog for hours, without ever being disturbed. It may seem like an odd thing to do, but ever since my favorite gecko fell in the butter churn, teasing that dog about his missing leg has been my only form of comfort.
I remember how black the sky was that night, as I peddled my wheel down the lonely strip of road that led to his home. I was going over in my head all the insults I was going to hurl at that stupid dog and how much fun it was going to be watching him hop after me as I road in circles, and then it happened. A force I can only describe as 'forceful', pulled me off my wheel, and sucked me into the air. Had I been wearing a jet-pack the sensation would have been entirely appropriate, but this was something else, something unusual. It all happened so fast, you'll have to forgive me if my narrative sounds like the ramblings of a former kick-boxing dummy, but here I go.
For several moments there was total darkness. I could feel cold, clammy hands all over my body, pushing and pulling me in all directions. I was forced onto a hard metal table and strapped into place. Light burst forth from a source above my head and reached it's gangly fingers into every corner.
I could now see my abductors; there were six in total, each one about five feet in height, their smooth grey skin completely free of hair or markings of any kind. Massive heads sat atop thin, wiry bodies, like an apple on a stick, and their black eyes never seemed to blink.
They surrounded me and began to converse in a weird language I wasn't able to comprehend; think of a mix between Croatian and Pawnee, while sucking helium. They didn't hurt me, but instead poked their long, bony fingers into my sides, while laughing and teasing. This harassment when on for about ten minutes before the stress of the situation caused me to break down and begin to sob, which delighted my tormenters. One of them ran out of the room and came back a few moments later with another, taller alien, who took one look at my sniveling mass and joined in the hilarity.
For years I had heard accounts of probing and prodding that aliens were said to participate in. I was told they would put painful medical devices in your rectum, or extract sperm to create human-alien hybrids that would one day rule the universe, or at the very least South Dakota, but these ones were different. They seemed content with simply watching me writhe in fear while they took selfies on devices remarkably similar to modern day smart phones. The emotional drain their verbal abuse caused on my psyche had me wishing they would just put something in my butt and be done with it. Although I had no comprehension of their language I understood what they were conveying and I couldn't take the ridicule much longer. I felt myself slowly loosing control of my sanity.
And then it was over. I suddenly found myself laying on the lawn of farmer Bob's house, his stupid tripod of a dog, leisurely urinating on my feet. A feeling of intense joy filled my heart, I was Ebenezer Scrooge when he realized all the terrors of the previous night were over, and he had been given a second chance at life.
I hugged that witless dog like it was my teddy bear from college. I told it how sorry I was for saying the awful things I had about it's missing leg, and that although I still thought it should be put down, I loved it. The dog then bit me so I dropped it in a well, but I still feel I learned a valuable lesson about respect and kindness, not just toward the ones you love, but most importantly, towards the ones that make you sick just to think about.
