I can't imagine a better first male experience in bed then Jesus. I know he'd be gentle with me, unlike Muhammad who would probably force me do all sorts of creepy things, then smack me for crying too much. But not Jesus, I picture him holding my hand for hours before anything happened, then gently rocking me in his arms until I was ready. And I even think he'd be up for it. I've read the bible many times, and nowhere does it say anything about Jesus having to fight off throngs of hot young groupies, like Elvis. Quite the opposite, he's always with a bunch of dudes, having candle lit dinners and splashing around the water. I think I even remember one part where he healed a man of impotency, or maybe it was blindness.
Another bonus with Jesus would be that I know he would never cheat on me, he's to decent a guy for that. I've had imaginary relationships in the past were girls have walked out on me for people like The Rock, or that funny looking guy from the Twilight movies, but not Jesus, he's a man I could trust. I wouldn't have to secretly check his texts while he slept, or sniff his clothing for the sent of foreign cologne, I would never have to worry about him lying about where he's been, or saying he's going to cut the grass, but instead getting drunk and yelling at the neighbour about his dog shitting on our lawn. How many people can say that?
Easter would be so much fun with Jesus, and don't even get me started on Christmas. Wow, can you imagine how great it would be when the carolers came around to sing "Joy to the world", and right when they got to the part that goes "the Lord has come", Jesus popped out from behind a snow man and yelled "HERE I AM MOTHERFUCKERS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME." I get so excited just thinking about it.
He would be easy to shop for as well, all I would need to buy is a comfortable pare of sandals and a pair of cargo shorts. I think hats of any kind would be out of the question considering they may bring on flash backs of that barbwire hat he was forced to wear on the cross, but maybe a tie-dye scarf, I think he'd like that.
And I bet he'd be the kind of guy that would always do what he said, instead of someone who promises to do things around the house but never actually gets to them. A clogged toilet would never last more then a few minutes with good old J.C. at the watch. I'm not too sure about his cooking skills though, people as thin as he are usually not interested in food very much, but this doesn't bother me since I love to cook and would be honored to make him anything his godly little heart desired.
My parents are old fashion and would most likely be very uncomfortable with the idea of me being gay, but if I brought Jesus Christ over for Thanksgiving dinner, that would change everything. I'm willing to bet that not only would they be okay with it, but that in no time my Mom would be knitting us matching sweaters with puppies on them, and my Dad would be bragging to all his poker buddies about how his boy was fucking the son of God.
There is a down side to having a same sex relationship with Jesus though, which is his Dad. His Dad is a bit of a dick when it comes to homosexuality, he even says people who patriciate in it should be killed, which seems a little harsh for someone who calls himself "all good and all loving". Apparently he thinks it's a sin of some kind because....well I don't really know why he thinks it's a sin, but I do know that when people spend so much time railing against the gay life style, it's usually because they secretly have uncontrollable thought about laying Brad Pitt on a bed of lettuce and covering him with their very own dressing.
In conclusion, I have no misapprehensions about my willingness to bang Jesus ever coming to fruition, I know he has better thing to do and could certainly find someone a little more fitting of his social status then myself. But, on the off chance he happens across this blog, I would just like to say to him, You are the door, and I would love to be invited in.